


The Real Impossible Astronaut?... i honestly can't think of a Title LOL

by Charlie0831



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF, Real Person Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie0831/pseuds/Charlie0831
Summary: Alex is taken and brainwashed to kill Matt by some maniac who believes he can make Doctor Who fiction reality...lots of angst...Can Matt bring Alex back to reality? Is that reality even worth coming back to?...... Sorry, not sorry.Love comments good and bad...
Relationships: Alex Kingston/Matt Smith
Comments: 54
Kudos: 15





	1. Just us and New year

“Yes, i know I’m too early Sal but you'll be a texting maniac at midnight so i wanted to make sure i got to speak to you before the entire network crashed because of you and your mates…..Yes …. I’m sorry what…. I know its too loud. Speak up...yeah but where's ya dad?….Ok...yes….sorry what?….Can't you just go outside a moment i can barely hear anything but the band?.... I know but I went outside so i could hear youuuuu….i know but...ok fine. call me tomorrow though won't you?…..sorry what?? ….Oh yeah but i mean after that...Oh ok……..what?.....Oh yes of course i will...Happy new year for midnight buba...Love you…..I SAID I LOVE YOU SAL...will do...laters gaiter”

Alex sighed heavily and placed the phone back into her clutch before looking out over the Thames thoughtfully drifting her eyes slowly over the vivid lights of the city.  
She took in a deep shuddering breath of the cold night air into her lungs as she lingered out on the lonely balcony of the prestigious London Sky Bar…  
Shaking her head to herself…

”Bloody New Years!”.

There was a scoff from behind...

“Oh come now Kingston, it's the start of New Year, not a bloody wake woman !”

She turned around to see Matt Smith leaning heavily against the door frame. One leg crossed over the other casually as if he’d been observing a while, but looking too damn cool for school in his crisp blue suit with plane tight Tee underneath.  
There was noise from the music and chaos inside bellowing out from behind him, but in that moment the sound was drowned out entirely by his usual handsome lanky presence.  
Always having that ability to be the center of the stage.  
She laughed huskily

“When you're my age you'll understand darling... it's just another Tuesday in my books!”

He pushed away from the frame walking towards her as the door swung closed behind him… He leaned against the rail next to her crossing his arms thoughtfully, but also with slight amusement gracing his features.

“So why'd you come out at all if you didn't want to be here Alex?”

She sighed...

“Because... well because Karren wouldn't take no for an answer would she. You know what she's like once she gets a bee in her bonnet...and because well…. I wanted to try it out again i guess. Haven't been to one in a while...a long, long while actually.  
And what else was I going to do in London at this time of year... sleep? “

She puffed out a large breath of air in half a laugh like sleeping was an impossibility to her any time of year as a matter of fact before continuing her reasoning...

“And apparently I'm too `uncool` “  
Highlighting the word with her fingers sarcastically, but Matt was no fool and could see the slight hint of hurt in her eyes through the words as she said them…. “to hang with Sal and her mates anymore, so I made the effort and I’m here now but ....”

She sighed again looking down to fiddle with the clutch in her hands, he nudged her shoulder with his, smiling in gentle encouragement...

”Go on Kingston...but what?” 

She rolled her eyes at his unwavering insistence...

“It's just so damn loud Matt…”

He chuckled as she continued…flapping her hands about to physically project her feelings outwardly to him…  
He loved it when she did that. She was so fascinating to watch as she dramatized her words so openly while he currently played therapist. One of his favorite roles no less...only with Kingston though, nobody else was interesting enough to entertain his attention so bloody much!

“and busy... it's practically full of naked gyrating eighteen-year-olds in there looking to hook up with a one night stand and good luck to them but really, It's...it's just not my scene anymore, it's not.  
Where's the shovel, pass it to me now Matthew...i best start digging this second because seriously Matt...i’ve turned into my mother!”

He couldn't help but laugh further…  
So she slapped his arm playfully, although very much annoyed she was entertaining him with her irritation... 

“Don't laugh at me…. It's not funny Matthew... this is serious...It's all downhill from here let me tell you. God, I feel so bloody old right now!” 

He laughed more…

“You're a Bastard... you know that right?”

He shook his head unphased by the words or the look on her face but highly amused as always.

“So you came out here to the balcony to freeze your tits off fifteen minutes to new years not simply to call the poppet, but to hide from the strike of twelve didn't you?... Wouldn't want to be surrounded by lots of `snogging` gyrating eighteen-year-olds when the clock strikes midnight ay?.

She nodded in relief that he finally understood her predicament...well, kind of…

“Exactly!”

“You do realize that I’m not eighteen don't you?”

“Physically yes, but mentally...well, i beg to differ darling!”

“Oy...rude Kingston...!”

She laughed at his pretend wounded pride…even so he attempted to reassure her...

“I don't think anyones even that young in there anyway….you're just imagining things Alex... and besides, i wasn't gyrating against anyone either...I may have performed the Lanky Giraffe dance for a few rather demanding requests, but you left the room so there was nobody i wanted to rub up against”

“You're incorrigible...As if i would let you rub up against my £250 quid dress...have you felt this fabric darling...it would be diabolical to clean...I blame Karren for this one....again!”

He smirked looking across her frame rather lustfully and none too discrete...

“Oh, i don't know...looks rather sexy on you that dress. I like the split up the leg by the way...kinda kinky n hot….I keep trying not to look because it really makes me pits sweat and to be honest these trousers are tight enough to blow up me ball sacks around you... but christ...it's so soddin distracting Alex..”

She couldn't help but giggle at him like an immature teenager…  
He was always so natural, always put her at ease with his over the top flirtatious jokes and wonderful charisma.  
He continued to verbalize his thoughts because really, he meant exactly what he was saying and she really didn't have a clue how absolutely infatuated he was with her…  
It was like a secret he was continuously shouting out to the world but it was so entirely too obvious that it was inconspicuous...Even to her. 

“Are you out on the pull or something? Please tell me your not... I practically had to shower my oncoming storm stare over about sixty guys in there just to get them to back the hell away from you. Its heavy-duty work that is you know, I’m knackered!”

“I hate you Matt….and i hate Karren too...Arthurs my only friend. I should be in my pajamas with a glass of wine and a chick flick tonight!”

Matts eyebrows raised...

“Oh?.... Sounds rather cozy, I like that thought Kingston, I like it allot actually... perhaps we could do it together sometime?” 

He winked and she rolled her eyes in the usual way.

“ But did it ever occur to you that perhaps this isn't my scene either...that perhaps Arthur dragged me over here too against my will and because well, because i thought i should make the effort to do so... because apparently it's what’s expected of me at this point in my life!”

She looked to him surprised by his confession, 

“Really?... So you came out here to the balcony to escape from the zoo too then i take it?”

He beamed at her knowingly...then turned away to look over the water across to Big Ben, deep thought it appeared...before looking back into her eyes with a certain intensity that she held her breath for a moment.

“No...No actually... i... I just followed you out here Kingston! “

She stared at him rather startled by his rather blunt confession, then opened her mouth to say something before closing it again because honestly... she had nothing.  
He ran a hand through his hair...

“God that sounded rather creepy out loud...It's just so damn busy everywhere and there are weirder people than me around here and i don’t trust any of them around you... and well quite frankly... I didn't want to see in the new year without you Alex”  
Taking one more glance at big ben…

“So we have about um.. five minutes left I guess...err...!”

He pulled out the phone from his pocket quickly and began a search on his own private mission…  
She leaned across to try and see what he was up to on the small screen in his hands…Shit... she needed her glasses.

“What are you doing darling?”

“Making this memorable, so it's not just another rotten Tuesday. You set the challenge...challenge accepted!”

She pulled back a little stunned as Matt continued his...whatever it was he was doing…

“I never did anything of the sort!”

Ignoring her denial he made her jump a little with his….

“HA......This is the one!”

She frowned a little in confusion...

“One what?”

He placed his phone on the table to the side, along with her clutch that he instantly swiped from her grip...She puzzled a little then the music started... Sinatra…` Oh god!`

(I've got youuu... under my skin….)

He held out his hand to her, cheeky face full of all sorts of mischievousness...

“Oh...No, no, no……..NO MATT!!”

Matt of course, would not take no for an answer and swiftly took hold of her hand pulling her into his frame with one swift movement  
He held her closely, one hand resting upon her waist while the other hand held hers tenderly with a certain firmness and confidence that led the dance with a somewhat surprisingly skilled technique..

(.....So deep in the heart that your even a part of me…i've got you under my skin )

She of course gave in to his request and followed his lead with a roll of her eyes that made him send her out in a twirl of punishment, before pulling her back in close once again to settle into him once more.

“You're a bad boy...you know that? I should spank you for this!”

He chuckled...

“Oh please do...i love when you get kinky Kingston!”

She laughed a beautiful laugh that turned his insides to mush.  
She was glowing as they danced together under the bright lights of London with none other than the voice of Sinatra paving the way.  
He was fixated... loving how the lights reflected off of the golden tendrils of her hair that blew in the breeze and swayed along with the rhythm of their closely-knit bodys.  
She smelled utterly divine, like lilacs mixed with sea breeze and familiar Alex that always filled his senses with lust and desire.  
He just couldn't help it as he started to join in and sing along with Frank because in that very second the words really rang true to him...and if he couldn't get through to her any other way... then perhaps Sinatra's words could!  
God...her heart began to beat more wildly in her chest as his gaze never faltered away from her eyes.  
What was happening here? 

(.....Don't you know, little fool, You never can win, Use your mentality, Wake up to reality, But each time I do just the thought of you, Makes me stop... before I begin…. Cause I've got you under my skin….)

Bloody hell the man could sing...and she wasn't talking about the old amazing dead guy from inside the phone….

He twirled her once more and this time when he pulled her in he released her placing both hands on her hips now, rather confident in his manner because...yes... he had her now right where he wanted her.  
Her own hands landed to rest heatedly on his chest, as they swayed together like an old married couple.

She swallowed before attempting a few words, trying to ignore the feel of his toned body rippling beneath the thin layer of fabric under her fingers that separated them truly.

“So Sinatra huh?... An oldie for an oldie?”

He growled a little...

“No...not at all...The best for the best Alex!”

“Charmer!”

“Obviously I am!”

They kept swaying intimately to the music as they talked in their own private bubble...

“Really... I didn't know you liked this kind of stuff…”

“I like a lot of `stuff ` you don't know about Kingston!”

“Oh yeah...like what…”

He thought a little...slightly dramatized as he wiggled his jaw...

“hmmm...errr...Penguins...Yes penguins!!”

She giggled as she spoke... her eyes noticeably flashing twinkles at him and that was even before the fireworks started.  
She was a goddess.

“Penguins?? ..Haha ...Hmmm, Your right i never knew that...so what do you like about them? I must admit...they are rather cute!”

“....I like how they waddle...You know the thing...the dance that Bert did in Mary Poppins when he danced with the penguins... I use to pull my trousers down in the living room and do that dance on many occasion….please don't tell anyone i said that!”

She laughed further, tucking her head into his chest with a contented sigh as he wrapped his arms around her because he could and wasn't gonna waste this moment for a second. They were comfortable dancing in each other's embrace. Content. Happy...

“Your bloody hilarious Matt...i'll miss you when i go back to the states next week!”

He rested his chin on her head feeling instantly solum at the thought…

“I'll miss you too Kingston!” 

He kissed her head upon instinct...but she either didn't notice or didn't mind ….which was both good and a relief.

(i got you under my skin…)

Big ben Started to chime and they pulled slowly apart but kept close as they walked over to the railing to watch, while listening to the crowds counting along excitedly as they did so….10, 9, 8, 7…She felt a warm arm wrap around her shoulder as they both watched on in excitement 4,3 2 1….  
The fireworks started…` HAPPY NEW YEAR`….

They both beamed at the sight, looking up as fireworks filled the night sky with crackling colors of wondrous reds, gold, greens, and blues…

She turned to see Matt already staring at her, smiling, so handsome and true...

“Happy new year Matthew”

He leaned across warmly to brush a blowing curl tenderly behind her ear. 

“Happy new year Alex!”

He was giving her a look...a very knowing look that one might give one after noticing that you were both standing under the mistletoe…  
She sighed like it was an effort, but he could clearly see right through it….He always could. She was funny like that.

“Ohhh well ...I guess its tradition isn't it?….Go on then...if we must, we must!”

He chuckled…satisfied with her response and thanking the heavens above that he didn't have to beg for it.

”I'll make it a good one yeah?”

“You better!”

……………………………………….And that was it. 

It only felt like yesterday but it had been seven months and he could still feel her presence surround him permanently like an insistent poncho around his shoulders incapable of sliding off...  
The warmth of her laugh.  
The soft caress of her hands as she ran fingers tenderly through his hair like they knew they had always belonged there.  
The soft gentle heat of her lips moving perfectly enticing against his.  
Close bodies fitting sinfully exquisite through layers of fabric yearning to be closer still….  
Her tongue that he had rather cleverly and boldly tempted out of hiding into a playful game of catch and release. Delicious.  
This was unchartered territory, no act to be found here, no director to call cut.  
Yes they had left each other breathless that night, deliriously confused and even though they giggled like naughty school children through the aftermath of their secret snog fest.  
Their mutually dilated irises told no lies about the feelings they both contained within their depths.  
The shared taxi Journey home as the night came to a close was quiet but with solidified meaning. The lingering touch of their hands as they reluctantly said their goodbyes with promises of phone calls and texts along with a lingering look of longing and uncertainty and exciting but unspoken nervousness.  
He would tell her soon!  
He had to now...every doubt he had felt had been crushed to oblivion, the future was set perfectly like poetry and it was always with her and that smile of mischief.  
He wanted for nothing more and would take nothing less...it was her. She was everything.

But then... as if God himself had struck him down for daring to dream such whimsical idiotic ideals not even two full days later he got the call that turned his insides to charcoal.

Alex was missing. No dead!

Her car had presumably skidded off the road during the heavy flooding and had crashed into the treacherous Thames...the passenger door found wide-open swinging aimlessly in the unrelenting currents. No body was ever recovered.  
She was presumed dead after a week's worth of searches and investigations proved to be futile.  
A horrific accident they claimed...Was that a joke?  
The rains had been record-breakingly bad that month and one life had already been lost due to the floodwaters not five days before. It wasn't unreasonable...but still...your joking right?  
So yes that happened and seven months later people were eventually starting to come to terms with the fact that Alex Kingston no longer graced this world with her formidable talent, naughty innuendos, and twinkling eyes of mischief and mayhem.  
Business as usual it would appear. That's it. The end. Move along now...  
Life, it seems, stops for no man, even him and he was The Doctor and filming the show required his presence and commitment, unfortunately.  
He was a good actor he thought...well he must be mustn't he?  
He was completely shattered and broken inside and yet he could still throw on a smile to fool even the best of them.  
Yet the atmosphere was always solemn on set, nothing was ever the same as before...everyone felt it.  
Even the flies on the walls felt it and the Tardis herself strangely looked a darker shade of blue. Was she in mourning too?  
Jenna understood his mood swings to some extent. Working so closely with your colleague doing over overtime it was difficult not to see or even to hide the fact of anguish when you're that tired and he couldn't contain his delusional (everything's normal act) after a few beers in his system.  
She would always question how he was really doing. That was nice...and incredibly annoying.  
He smiled...“Getting there Jenna...Thanks.”  
Ha..if only she knew how he really was feeling inside. How much his gut crawled with maggots devouring his very existence to nothingness.  
He missed her.  
Christ...he missed her so bloody much.  
The fact that there wasn't a body was a torture itself…. Was that why he couldn't find closure inside? Why he refused to move on from the images of different scenarios swirling around his brain like a chaotic tornado.  
Perhaps that would have been easier to say goodbye in any case if she was physically there ...then again perhaps not.  
She just wouldn't look right.  
He doesn't remember much from the funeral….it was all a bit of a blur to be honest and he couldn't see the point of saying goodbye to an empty coffin full of trinkets and memorabilia.  
The one connecting item he could possibly think of to put in there from him was the bowtie...how odd. That bow tie that bound them into a TV marriage and gave him exclusive rights to grace her lips with his on occasion. That was a good scene...yes... well done Moff…Thank you very much actually, my dick was completely unreasonable after that in the shower!  
The only thing he remembers clearly from that despondent rather surreal day of goodbye was the gut-wrenching wrap of Salome's small fragile limbs squeezing his waist so tightly like he was the only one who could somehow bring her back.  
He couldn't breathe just looking at her. God she was so much like her mother….She was painfully beautiful. He wanted her to smile again...he loved that smile.  
Is that what she thought though...? Would the Doctor save the day like he always did?  
He couldn't...Oh but oh how hard he wished he could every time he stared a mind-numbing hole into that fake big blue box of his. (take me back... please sexy...take me back to her….to fix this….please!)  
There was nothing…. and then more nothing.  
The Tardis was dead like…...

Still he could not help the niggling doubt that this wasn't right….this wasn't real and she was quite possibly still out there...somewhere.  
Alex was a good driver...cautious to the point of annoyance in fact and he told her so on many occasions….

“hold onto your seat Arthur she’s about to break 25”...

”Wanker…”

She wouldn't have been going that fast.  
It was the night...she hated driving at night because it was too damn quiet and there were foxes about….and cats and she feared hitting them if they ran out unexpectedly.  
She would have gone the long way around if the way looked flooded or there was a puddle on the ground that looked way too deceiving for comfort.  
She just didn't like heavy downpours; it made her hair too frizzy ….  
….it just….it just felt wrong!

Well ya know what…..He was right…...

Filming had just finished and this was the first scheduled public event he’d been to since before New Years' eve.  
He was dreading it...this bloody comic con and with good reason too.  
He used to love these ridiculous things, they were fun, the meet and greets with his excitable fans, the photo ops, the fabulous cosplays and how much detail and effort people put into their characters, but now... not so much no.  
In Fact he hated the thought.  
The cosplays and bloody River Song, he hoped very much that it had only been seven months since Alex's untimely death and the fans would be certainly considerate to some extent and most were in actual fact. They sympathized by skirting around the subject of Kingston to focus on other things in his life. For those empathetic beings he was grateful.  
There were a few, however, that had him biting his tongue, or on many occasions on the verge of running away from the whole thing just to curl up on into his fucking bed and cry hysterically if he saw one more curly wig approach him. Fuckers!  
He noticed the Astronaut suit way at the back of the queue as he chatted along with a pleasant excited eleven-year-old girl. She was dressed as a young Amelia Pond and stood majestically along with her younger brother BatMan.  
Slowly but surely the space suit approached and with each passing fan he got increasingly agitated by it.  
The visor was down and on other days in years gone past it would have been pretty impressive actually. After all the suite was an uncanny replica from the Impossible Astronaut.  
It was odd though. He or she didn't seem to be with anybody else or react to the people standing close by leaning in delighted for a selfie with the spaceman.  
The most disturbing fact however, was that the suit didn't turn or look around in the slightest to wander over the hectic things going on around it...its whole mirrored screen was focused directly on him. Only him.  
He was two greets away now as Matt’s eyes flickered up yet again nervously anticipating engaging the probably over obsessive fan under the rather expensive looking garment.  
A family of four chatted to him about leaving the breaks on in the Tardis and if it was true or not?  
He took a quick sip of his water, his throat suddenly parched like a desert as he smiled and laughed like a goon.  
Matt needed a break soon, he could feel himself faltering as he glanced across to Arthur eventually catching his attention by desperately throwing a pen at him.  
He signaled two more minutes because honestly he could no longer breathe as the room continued to close in on him.  
Arthur understood and nodded to his friend with an agreeable smile and a nod. He needed a break too it appeared.  
The Astronaut finally stepped up …taking a deep controlled breath Matt calmed himself once more...(ok...let's get this ignorant fuckwit over with...)...

Putting on his best fake smile that he should probably get an award for….

“Hi….WoW... that's an incredible Spacesuit...Don’t show wardrobe, they’ll think you stole it off set...” Matt chuckled.

The suit, however... said nothing.  
Matt narrowed his eyes a little from the strange silence but shook it off quickly, while still keeping up his cheery artificial demeanor.

“You gonna lift the visor so I can see you under there... I don't think i can hear what you're saying….Oh god, you're not a Slitheen in there are you?”

Finally there was movement as the white-gloved hands moved stiffly almost robotically to the helmet.  
The visor lifted slowly and what he saw behind was nothing he or his heart had ever anticipated or even prepared for.  
He gasped at the sight….taking a tentative step backwards to get a better visual because his eyes were apparently deceiving him...or perhaps it was simply because he felt instantly queasy at the thought of the deathly ghost standing there spine-chillingly frozen before him.  
She was expressionless.  
Gaunt as a corpse….  
Here... but...also not….  
Her eyes were glazed but fixated on his like insistent sodding magnets with nails stabbing his irises with piercing intent!

The world around them had become a blur of shallow noise and colorful oblivious chaos that rotated in to slow motion as they stared across to each other in their own private void of unearthly vibrations.  
It felt like an age but was actually only a few seconds before her name stumbled away from his lips in almost a whisper on the air.

“Alex…...?”

One arm raised slowly and surely to point at him like she had done so in an episode of season six where River had notoriously Killed the Doctor. ...What?  
Was he dreaming?  
Had he finally cracked through the pressure of it all and gone utterly insane to make up this little rather disturbing allusion?  
He stood still, far too stunned to pay attention to anything else but her expressionless face of the mask she wore that held too many hurts behind it…  
He was going to wake up soon, surely from this nightmare.  
Please wake up...please wake up...what's happening?  
His mouth opened in shock but nothing came out before there was a slight twitch of her eyes and one lone teardrop that fell down deserted to her cheek leaving a trail of clean skin like acid burning away the rotten flesh, before….

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“BANG……………………………………………!”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was like someone had slammed his chest with a concrete block as he fell crashing to the ground from the brutal unsuspecting force of it all.  
Pressurized air escaped his lungs in an instant.  
There was a surreal moment of stillness and silence before ear-piercing screams shattered through his now obvious, but rather numb existence.  
What had happened?  
What was he doing on the floor?  
Why were people looking over him with panic in their eyes?  
What were they doing to him now?  
He looked down as he felt a hand press painfully onto his chest like a scorching iron burning deep to his center…  
Shit is that blood?... Is that me?... Am i bleeding?  
A familiar but also far too alarmed face entered his visual…He puzzled, pain…fuzziness...? 

“Arthur...what...?”

“Stay still mate….just breath yeah….helps on its way!”

“I...i feel a...a bit odd ….Arthur….Arthur?? I….i think i saw...... um...Al…Al....”

“Matt...Matt?....look at me…Matt”


	2. I. See. You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only on the second chapter and it's already incredibly challenging, i know nothing about psychiatry so just plainly winging it for a good time as is totally obvious .  
> What's your opinion of this chapter though?...is it going ok, or complete and utter tripe...i just cant tell...LOL

There was a muffled sound around him and a shuffle of clothing as his senses slowly awakened. He blinked his eyes open tiredly expecting that he’d left the telly on and to find himself in his own lonely bed of blue quilted sheets. They felt a bit thinner than usual ...?  
He startled suddenly, attempting to jump upright when the sound of an unfamiliar voice he realised wasn't in actual fact the Television. But instantly regretted the swift movement however as he winced painfully and retreated back to the pillows with a soft thud after a strange sharp stab hit his chest.

“Easy Mr smith...try to relax, you're going to be ok alright... but you're in Hospital. Take a few deep breaths for me... Mr Darvil and Mr Tennant are here and your family have been notified and are on their way i can assure you”

Matt looked at the strange woman like she was some kinky nurse hallucination he’d miraculously conjured up from his dreams, but after a few unsettling blinks further and a flummoxed internal debate he realised that she wasn't his type at all. He looked down over himself, as the reality of where he was had slowly started to seep in.  
He looked up again...confused.

“Hospital?...What?”

His eyes moved focus over across to Arthur and David who were both standing by the lower end of the bed looking extremely anxious as if afraid to speak or highly concerned of his reaction to the circumstance. 

Arthur bit his lip for a second, before taking a plunge of courage to be the one to speak first. 

“You...you don’t remember what happened mate?”

Matt swallowed heavily as the nurse tended to him and checked over his vitals, while silently taking note of his awareness of the current situation with his friends.  
He thought for a moment, scratching his face a little in thought…

“Um, Comic-Con Yeah?... Was just about to go for lunch wasn't we after …err….the...the...”

His mind flashed back to the strange lone Astronaut surging through his memory like a tsunami consuming everything else in its wake until the visor lifted and the only thing that remained was.... 

“ALEX….”

He lunged out of the bed so fast that the monitors almost sparked and heaven knows where he thought he was going to go. But he had seen her...alive!  
His sedated body was so weak though that his legs gave out before the nurse managed to get around to keep him properly restrained. David's reflexes were rapid thank god as he caught Matt's limp body quickly before he crumpled hard to the ground in a heap of gangly limbs.

“Shit Matt...You..you can’t go mate...you're in no fit state...Fuck....”

Matt's legs were still on the ground as David heaved using all of his strength to push him back to rest on the bed. Matt hung on to David's shoulders with a painfully tight grip and at that moment Tennant was gratefully relieved for Matt's short fingernails.  
He was gasping for breath in a panic that threatened to consume him as his mind accumulated more input and data than he could actually handle in his current state of overwhelming uncertainty and vulnerability.

“Al...Alex...She was there Tennant, i saw her, she’s alive…..She...she was alive...…”

David sighed heavily, trying his best to keep Matt from falling back off the bed as he continued to press his body against him in order to stay put.

“I know Pal….They have her somewhere in the hospital right now with the police and some other doctors...Nobody can get anywhere near, or any kind of information yet. It's unbelievably chaotic everywhere Matt, so you need to calm down mate, answers will come!…”

Matt only heaved further his grip to Tenant's shoulder tightening if that was even possible, unaware of the nurse quickly sorting out a sedative from behind him as Matts agitation continued to grow.

David attempted to be assertive eyeing the man squarely in the face.

“Calm down Matt…”

He laughed 

“Calm down...Calm the fuck down are you kidding me Tennant?...

He looked quickly over to Arthur...who was standing tensely, arms folded across his chest, currently chewing a fingernail to the quick at the sight of his struggling best friend. The man could have been on the front line of an invasion out-numbered and facing imminent death and look more at ease than he did!

“Arthur?.... Arthur, Alex...she's ...she's alive..she’s...What the hell was she doing there …  
Why was she in a, a …?

He was hyperventilating his words now, edging himself forward increasingly agitated as if determined to search every inch of the hospital to find her if he could actually make his own limbs fucking function.  
He gasped again, swallowing heavily attempting to get the words out...there were too many of them swirling around in his head in that moment.

“She was there right, wasn't she? I didn't imagine that, did i?  
She's not dead is she...she's not dead? “

He held his breath a little, holding down the bile in his throat as sickness erupted in his body with a queasiness that threatened to spew up all over David's new cerulean blue Ralph Lauren shirt.

“Oh God….why...why was she wearing that fucking thing?  
Why didn't she speak to me Arthur, she didn't look right... Did...did you see her, she didn't look right did she…., did both of you see her…. I'm not crazy, am i? She was there right wasn't she?….  
What was she even doing there?  
And where the hell has she been all this time…?  
David, did you see her too?  
It was her, wasn't it….IN A FUCKING SPACESUIT... FUCK….WHY WAS SHE IN A FUCKING SPACESUIT ARTHUR NOT TALKING TO ME?.... WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON…?”

He couldn't get air into his lungs fast enough….gasping and grasping onto anything that could prove this wasn't actually happening.. This was all a dream.

“What's happened to her?  
What's happening?  
Where is she now…?  
Take me to her right the fuck now... is she ok?….She didn't look well at all... I need to see her, she didn’t look well!  
Is she ok...she...she’s,... where has she been all this time?...ARGH….Let me through for fuck's sake. Will you….just... MOVE!”

He was trying to push through David's barricade of arms. His agitation was merciless and feverish while it took hold over his body like unhinged biting ants wildly attacking him inside and out.  
A Doctor had already been alerted by the nurse behind and both David and Arthur took a painful step back to let the team do their job and calm their patient before he ended up hurting himself through panicked distress.  
The sedative worked instantly and he collapsed like an avalanche and was gently lowered back down ungracefully like a drunkard to lie unsteadily back on to the clinical bed once more. 

Arthur approached cautiously, laying a hand over his undamaged shoulder while squeezing it gently for the only support he could give at that time.

“It's going to be ok Matt. She's in safe hands now mate and we'll know more soon enough i'm sure...But you really need to get a bit better first though yeah?.... You're no good to her like this”

He was groggy now but needed to know things desperately before the darkness consumed him once more.  
His speech was slurred and sluggish, but he was determined for answers as he fought to stay awake.

“Why...why i’m here Arff....what's happened to me?..... Did...did I faint and fall on ta somfin....?”

Arthur's eyes flickered up to David unsure of what to say but David just gave a slight nod of solemn encouragement. They couldn't lie to him. Word was spreading like wildfire through the media now and Matt needed to know the truth however much it stung.

“You...you were shot, Matt...Alex...she...she shot you”

Darkness enveloped him...

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been nearly a week in the hospital until he was finally being released and it was the longest most disconcerting six days of his life.  
He still needed answers!  
It had been a clean shot straight through the right shoulder missing the bone entirely, they said he had been extremely lucky and it could have been much worse.  
He almost laughed at the thought. Shot with a gun by his supposedly dead friend dressed in a spacesuit...Didn't see that one coming did you Smith.  
The police had been to visit him twice but frustratingly never gave him the answers he sought. They asked him ridiculous questions about his relationship with Alex. What's that got to do with anything? Of course, he gave them nothing of consequence...you should never kiss and tell after all. They only angered him further with their insufferable presence when they should be out there doing something, useful...by finding whoever was responsible for this.

His family only knew just as much as he did and their overbearing mollycoddling was relentlessly infuriating. It wasn't their fault he was agitated, agitated to an immeasurable degree he could simply explode from it.  
He wasn't the victim here... she was...He didn't need anyone's help right now...she did!  
He had thought about it a lot while lying there in his hospital bed, his hand carefully grazing the white bandage wrap around his shoulder. His only proof right now that Alex was alive.  
She had shot him...Alex...His special Kingston had shot him, with an actual physical gun and not some toy blaster offset..or a Nerf.  
He remembered the deathly look on her face from that day with intricate detail, right down to the lone greasy curl that rested on her forehead and the dry cracks of her lips that looked like she had probably chewed them to death at some point.  
Her eyes were not her own, not like he remembered as the twinkling mix of exquisite emeralds and flecks of gold scattered with enticing excitement, no, they were no longer there.  
They were colourless now. An unsightly mixture of sorrow and pain, drained of any exuberant life that ever existed there previously. Simply dull and defeated.  
Where was his Kingston?

There was a startling knock on the hospital door as he waited quietly stewing in his own torturous thoughts for his parents to come and collect him like a child waiting at school.  
He frowned a little… and sighed begrudgingly to whoever it was...

“Yeah come in”

He was surprised when after a second of pause the door opened to see Alex’s sister Nicola enter somewhat hesitantly.  
They had only met once, a long time ago, but he remembered her face easily as there were hints of Alex in her face.

“Matt... “

She wasted no time in marching up to him as he stood bewilderedly a bit wobbly from sitting on the edge of the bed for so long.  
She instantly wrapped him up in her arms as much as she could, while being extra careful of his shoulder wound.  
He was a bit stunned by the unexpected presence and words seemed to fail him.  
She pulled back to get a better look at him.

“God...you look….Christ Matt i don’t know….i just….i just needed to see you before you left. They said you were leaving today... I've been asking about you a lot because Alex she….she would have wanted me to see you...to make sure you were ok, but i, i was unsure if you wanted us to because….i dunno….  
She….she would never have done this to you Matt…. Not ever. You’ve got to believe me, she cared about you a great deal...and she….what she did...that...that wasn't her own doing....”

Matt swallowed heavily as he nodded, 

“I know...i know this wasn't her Nic, any of this…..but please….you have to tell me….how is she... can i see her...nobody will tell me anything...?”

Nicola nodded, understanding Matts desperate plea and need for answers. She knew that Alex and he were close in friendship, how close though she did not know and even though she didn't understand her sister's apparent infatuation with her younger Doctor who co-star... she understood that Alex was always the happiest when she was talking about Matt and more trusting with him than she had ever been with anyone in a long time, if ever.  
So If he couldn't help her…. then nobody could! 

“She's been taken to a private psych ward Matt on the other side of London for an intensive evaluation.”

“Ok….um...Do they know where she’s been all this time, what happened to her...anything at all...?”

“No, not yet... she hasn't spoken a word to anyone. She's practically catatonic Matt. They think she's been held somewhere of course against her will and she's unharmed apart from sores around her wrists and ankles, consistent with being tied down they think.  
A few bruises and small scrapes over her body but nothing that required too much medical attention....”

Matt felt sick as the words he most feared began to sink in…

“She is, however, very malnourished but is eating a little bit..or at least she picks at it, which they are at the moment happy with and that she shouldn't need to be force-fed if she progresses further in the next few weeks or so. She is a little sensitive to bright lights which was most noticeable through the transfer when she cowered from the daylight….they presume she has been kept somewhere dark with no windows…  
God she…she’s just….i just want her to speak to us Matt, anyone at all…. Sal even spoke to her over the phone a little and even that didn't help her talk or respond. She didn't even flinch at the sound of her voice...…..its like shes not even there Matt, like she sees nothing around her”

Matt ran a hand through his hair stepping back to sit on the edge of the bed once more because his legs were going to give way if he didn't and he felt like he might throw up soon actually.  
His wonderfully flirtatious, absolutely beautiful and high-spirited Kingston had been broken unrecognisably...and the worst part of it all was that he knew this wouldn't have been an easy task for anybody to accomplish.  
Alex was pure fire, clever and determined and wildly headstrong to an unprecedented level. She was quite like her character River in that way….Fuck what did they do to her?.  
He took a moment to gather himself a little...taking a few deeply controlled breaths attempting to shake away the sickness he felt...it didn't really work.

“Who did this to her Nic...do they have anything at all?”

Nicola shook her head 

“No...Only the suit and the gun inside it which is going to take some time to analyze i guess...Without her speaking, I’m afraid that's as far as we've got so far”

Matt stood up quickly again feeling anger erupt over him as he paced, forgetting the pain in his shoulder as he numbed it over with fury.

“Fuck...That fucking space suit….The sick bastards….I’ll kill them for this Nicola...who ever they are…wherever they are...he or she….I'll kill them for ever daring to lay a fucking finger her...i will... I swear it !”

Nicola sighed but gave a slight smile at her sister's rather unusual friend even as tears fell from her eyes. She discovered Matt was tenacious. He held no hesitancy towards his trust and utterly devoted belief in Alex. His concern was only for her.  
Her sister had shot him point-blank range, an attempt to kill and yet he held nothing but his passion to support her. He never doubted her for a second.  
Nicola quickly brushed the tears away, always so strong these Kingston women.  
She stopped Matts frustrated pacing laying a hand over his arm gently.  
He paused to look at her still outraged with the world for doing this to his Alex.

“She doesn't need your anger right now Matt. It won't achieve anything, i know this because i feel it too...Just let the police do their jobs, yeah, they’ll find something...we have to believe in that!”

He sighed heavily but nodded, there wasn't much choice right now. Options were few.

“Look, I’ll message you the details of the ward number and the Doctor she's under,...err Dr Gomez i think... I’m honestly not sure how they’ll do it, but,... I’m pretty sure you'll be needed there at some point in any case...I’ve no idea how she’ll respond to your presence though Matt...after she...um, well….we’ll just have to cross that bridge…..”

Matt straightened a bit...eagar and far more than willing...

“Can i go now...To go see her i mean?”

Nicola looked shocked at first...Matt was clearly upset at being restrained for this long...but was already swaying a little through the fatigue of just standing there.  
He’d been through allot, not only physically, but mentally too...even if he failed to acknowledge it. He needed a bit more time.  
She swiftly shook her head at the thought...

“No...No not today….Go home and get settled today please Matthew, just rest a bit more then come over to the ward in a day or two alright...”

Matt shook his head vigorously, clearly about to protest, but Nicola stopped him, holding up her hand in blatant refusal to negotiate and fully determined in her actions…

“No Matt....when Alex gets better, and she will because she's a Kingston …..she will strangle me to death if i haven't looked after you...So please...just do this for her yeah?”

There was a brief moment of silence as Matt stewed in her words, eventually, he sighed defeatedly. It seemed that this other Kingston held a little influential power over him too. 

“Fine...Ok, but call me if there's any change .. anything at all Nic please...”

“Yes, of course, I will, I promise you Matt...”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt's knee jiggled up and down frantically as he anxiously waited in reception for his meeting to see Alex’s primary Psychiatrist Dr Gomez.  
Having been restrained reluctantly for two sodding days further by his family he’d quite simply had enough of been treated like a child.  
His arm was still bound in a sling and even with the painkillers, it throbbed like hell. But nothing would stop him from coming here today...!  
While sitting there in the reception he tried to ignore the less than discrete stares and whispers that surrounded him.  
He had no doubt that they knew exactly who he was and why he was here and with whom he was here to see.  
His and Alex’s face had been splattered all over the news and rags constantly invading his surroundings like an invasion of locust landing upon almost anything within a two-metre radius.  
There was no escaping the reality of what happened, of what was still happening...

“Hello, Mr Smith?”

He startled looking up to see a young male Doctor standing before him, `Gomez` he presumed and after a quick glance down to the name tag on his chest...Yes, he presumed right.  
A short lanky guy with glasses, wearing an unsavory green jumper, but keeping to standard, trending cool spiky hair ….(geek).  
Noticeably he looked far too young to be a Psychiatrist, let alone to be head of the department and responsible for Alex’s care... Did he even have his GCSE’S for christ sakes?...  
So it was quite unexpected that Matts first instinctual reaction was to scowl...probably not the best idea he ever had…. but this boy...this toddler was just not good enough.  
She needed better...She deserved better!!

Dr Gomez raised his eyebrows a little, already doing a psychological dissection of Matt within the space of a few seconds. He held out his hand politely for Matt to shake and gave a hint of a smirk that spoke volumes as Matt practically huffed to himself as he begrudgingly shook it.  
He then turned on his heel, calling behind him, like Matt was a dog that should heel!

“This way please Mr Smith”

Matt scoffed but ended up following in the same direction of the kid playing dress-up because  
Alex was here and he was being taken to see her... finally.  
He, however, wasn't led directly to Alex but brought straight into a small dingey office space with one of those stupid silver swinging ball things on the desk and a miniature zen garden with sand and a rake for a fairy.  
Hmm...So he was right...the kid doctor had toys and that was all the information he needed to know right now as he sat in the chair offered to him staring a hole through the wanker treating his...well... treating Alex with god knows what.

“Would you like a drink Mr Smith?...Tea...coffee..water...?”

“No thanks, i would just very much like to see Alex now please”

The doctor pursed his lips but went straight to sit behind his desk, immediately clasping his hands together like his daddy probably did.

“Yes, of course...and you will very soon i assure you….She's in the other room just behind these doors, and i know this must be all very difficult for you Mr smith... but first, we need to have a serious discussion about what you can expect from her and how more importantly how to interact...”

Matt merely stared at the Door that Dr Gomez had pointed to behind him so hard as if he had x-ray vision to be able to see through it….Gomez cleared his throat a little attempting to gain back Matt’s attention.

“I understand that she’s your friend and you need to make sure she’s being looked after... and she is, I assure you. But we really need to have this discussion Mr Smith, so I’ll just lay everything we have so far out on the table ok to get started”

Matt sighed heavily, this was a process he had to go through and he better just suck it up and get on with it.

“Yeah, i understand...Nicola...er, Alex’s sister, she said she doesn't talk much...well at all actually….Has she...has she said anything yet?”

Gomez shook his head...

“No...and she has yet to respond to any vocal questions or otherwise bestowed upon her.  
She doesn't acknowledge anything physically offered to her or even respond emotionally to the people around her yet and i emphasise yet because the mind is an open book and it only needs one familiar spark to break the spell “

Matt ran a hand nervously through his hair...

“So um...what does this mean...Would she know I was even there?... I mean, can she even hear me when I speak... I just...i don't understand what's wrong with her, why is she like this?” 

“You have to understand Matthew...is that ok... can i call you Matthew?”

“I prefer Matt thanks”

“You have to understand Matt, that this is a severe mental trauma and something like this is considered very rare nowadays... not usually seen since probably, well, since American POWs were held in prison camps….But what we have concluded so far is that Alex has been put through some sort of an intense form of brainwashing .”

Matt frowned as he shuffled uncomfortably in his seat...

“Brainwashing...is that even a real thing? It's Sci-fi isn't it?….Besides which, nobody could ever talk Alex into doing anything she didn't want to do. Christ...you don't even know her at all!”

Matt knew he was harsh...but he really didn't like this child Doctor as far as he could throw him...Gomez just simply wasn't good enough for Alex.  
Even so, he couldn't help but think this was so unlike him to be so critical of a person he just met but the stress of everything had been eating away at him for so long that now he just wanted to understand what's happened to her.  
Get actual legible answers he can grasp and work with to fix things.  
He just feels so wound up, tight, angry and frustrated that he just can't help snapping at the guy for just being there.  
The Doctor showed little concern about Matt's bite and held nothing back in his reply. 

“She attempted to kill you Matt. Are you suggesting that Miss Kingston purposefully wanted to do that to you all on her own, to walk right up to you in the middle of a public convention and splatter your blood all over your signature cards with a weapon concealed in a spacesuit?”

Matt stuttered a little at the rather shameless bluntness Gomez had just thrown to him in response…(Ouch..touche).

“N...no...but...she...she’s obviously been threatened. She...Alex she….But brainwashing... I mean come on...how is that possible and how do you even know that that's what this is?”

The Doctor ignored Matt's question, as he would talk in-depth about that later. Instead, he asked him something that Matt hadn't expected, that made him feel like suddenly he was being the subject of an investigation.

“What was your relationship like with Miss Kingston?”

“Er...what...why does that Matter, we are friends...good friends...so”

“It Matters because when you enter that room we have no idea how she is going to react you Matt...It may sound out of line that we need to know Miss Kingston's personal relationships prior to her kidnapping, but we have to cover every aspect of her usual behaviour and how we are expecting her to react...especially to you Matt.  
She attempted to kill you and we have to know how you'd usually interact if circumstances were different.  
Did you argue a lot? Does she hold a grudge? Were you simply co-workers? Did you maintain contact away from work? Has she ever been anything more than a friend to you? These things matter Matt, ...I mean it would be highly dangerous to walk right up to her and offer her a hug and a kiss to the cheek and not only because she attempted to kill you. It's good to know though if that would be a usual response for you both... I mean, were you physically inclined to greet that way?”

Matt rubbed his neck a little, the tension building to a painful degree…

“Well yes... I mean we...well yeah... Alex and me we flirted, we were playful together you could say, it was just our thing. We texted away from work, never argued, took the piss out of each other though, she's a pretty big tease. Kept in contact when she was in LA and met up for coffees and lunches on occasion. We are pretty close friends….um I guess we are both very physical people when it comes to interacting with one another, always have been, we hug yes, but it's never been anything more than...i don’t think...well, um.. is that enough info for you because this is really quite personal stuff and I’m a bit uncomfortable telling you if I’m honest...”

“Yes, That's good...i was hoping you would say that you were close. She hasn't responded to any family as yet, but as a psychologist, people behave very differently with their friends than they do with their family. So this could be telling in a way, something we could work with whether bad or good and i would hope to see something in the way of a reaction from her, however discrete it may appear”

Matt scratched his face a little…

“You said bad...what could she possibly do that's bad?”

Dr Gomez stood walking around the desk to the shutter on the other side of the wall, he opened it swiftly and Matt gasped at the sight, screeching his chair away as he stood pacing quickly to stand next to Gomez.  
There she was his Alex, his Kingston on the other side of the glass. God, she looked pale, hair tied back in a ponytail, still curly as ever though.  
She wore comfortable grey jogging bottoms and a vest top and was sitting by the corner of a rather large room. Barefooted.  
There was a comfortable sofa but she had chosen to sit on the floor, knees up to her chest tightly with her arms wrapped around and her, head tilted tiredly to the side resting upon them.  
She looked tiny, frail. Void of any life, she could almost disappear.  
This wasn't his Kingston.  
His Kingston would light up a room and flit around it excitedly like a newly hatched butterfly spreading her wings, swaying her hips as if she owned the joint while offering amusing gestures, an indescribable variety of laughs and a shower of cheeky winks, with promises.  
She was extremely empathetic and drew you in to instantly put you at ease with tender touches of affection.  
No this wasn't Alex.

“She could attack you Matt! You need to be very wary of her unpredictability right now, your friend is there yes, but shes lost in herself so move slowly, don't rush it and stay calm. Walk into her visual but keep a safe distance, don’t get too near. Talk to her, let her hear your voice...ask her things even if she’s unresponsive...”

Matt just continued to stare at her. She looked so small, so alone.  
The room was rather nice, cosy even. Had a sofa, n chairs for visitors, a shelf with a number of books, however lousy they appeared. A little tv amongst other things. It was light and airy with a pleasant view over the grounds.  
The only thing suggesting at all that this was, in fact, a psych ward were the bars on the windows. But it all just faded away as he watched her intently at her eyes staring aimlessly into nothingness. She was so, so alone.  
There was a plate of what looked to be cheese and crackers on the floor beside her...with a small bunch of grapes that had never been touched.  
He swallowed the lump in his throat, wanting to march right through the door and to wrap her up protectively, to shield her away from the world in the warmth of his jacket. Like he used to do when she was cold on set.  
But he couldn't. It was painful but Dr Gomez was right...there was no telling how she would respond to anything right now.  
All he could say was...

“Take me to her…”

Dr Gomez nodded and pressed a call button on his desk. Two moments later two other people entered, a rather large man and a woman they looked to be nurses, well the guy looked to be a bouncer actually, probably needed his muscle for unruly patients… The woman pushed a trolley through with what looked like medical stuff, but Matts eyes instantly drew to the needle...probably an emergency sedative he presumed. He wasn't stupid, he’d watched films...it wasn't that difficult to calculate the precautions they were taking...just in case!  
That made him swallow heavily at the thought...of things that could happen.  
Gomez then walked over and proceeded to unlock the door to the room, 

“There are cameras in there but we will remain here, watching closely. I know you desire privacy as Alex probably does too but we need to give it another week or so before we feel safe enough to allow that ok. If at any time you feel uncomfortable with the situation, just leave, it's fine….Alex has not demonstrated any threatening or violent tendencies yet but this may be different being that it's you Matt...If anything at all happens what we consider to be unsafe or feel concerned about then we will be in there within seconds ok”

Matt swallowed heavily…but surprisingly enough he wasn't scared of Alex, he never could be, and a bullet with intent to kill would never change his opinion of that.  
He was scared of himself...petrified of having to hold back when he really didn't want to...He was overwhelmed with the need to go in there and touch her physically, to hold her to make sure she was really real, really there and alive because it had been just over half a year since he’d seen her, held her…...kissed her…..and all he craved right now was to soothe her in his arms and whisper words of comfort to her soul as if that alone could save her!  
But he couldn't….He just couldn't do it….  
Not yet!

“OK”

Gomez walked through with him, positive and self-assured if only he could share that confidence Matt brooded...He just wanted her to recognise him at least. To smile that amazing beaming beautiful smile that always captured and ensnared him whenever he approached her.

“Afternoon Alex, brought you a visitor. Remember this morning i told you Matt was coming to see you, well he's here now... could barely restrain him and he didn't want a cuppa so let me know if he changes his mind yeah. Jenny’s doing the rounds today thank god, she's got custard creams, not those horrible fig things Betty brought... I could bring some through for you both if you wanted?”

No response….  
The doctor was patient though and gave her a moment to respond in any case before he continued…which of course, she didn't. He continued to plough through...

“Oh and before I forget your mum and dad called earlier…. said to tell you they’ll be here around six with Nicola and apparently bringing a Chinese...I've already placed my order and i don't like to share thank you very much... Yeah, that's right... your Nic already told me you like to dip into other peoples stuff, so no pinching my ribs ok?

There was nothing….

She barely even blinked. Just when Matt thought his heart couldn't break any further...it did, into a million more tiny pieces, fragments so small they were practically dust.  
The Doctor smiled back to Matt giving him a reassuring touch to his arm. It startled him a little from his unwavering focus on Alex’s small huddle and increasing focus of his eyes noticing the bruises around her wrists with not only overwhelming concern, but anger.  
Perhaps he was wrong about this young Dr Gomez though, he seemed well...Ok actually and almost comfortable with the situation however dire it was. He knew what he was doing, he was confident and unwavering, clearly attempting to gain a response, while keeping normal conversation.

“I’ll leave you guys to it then, let me know if you need anything yeah?”

Matt nodded giving a hint of a smile at the Doctor, hoping he accepted it as it was….A sincere apology for earlier and a thank’s for all that you're doing to help her.

Matt watched the door close behind Gomez before turning his attention back down to Alex.  
He ran a hand through his hair, taking a couple of steps forward…  
God, he didn't want to pressurise her…how close was too close?  
Shit...why did he not think to ask that question when he had the chance?  
Speak Matt...speak to her for fuck's sake you wanker...

“Um...Hey Kingston….it's me?”

Matt almost laughed at himself

“Course it's me...um...i... i...missed you love...Can i...do you mind if i sit down?”

Nothing…

Her head didn't move as it continued to rest on her knees facing sideways towards him.  
She continued to blink though and that's how he knew for certain that she wasn't a waxwork replica from Madame Tussauds. 

Taking a few steps forward he sat on the floor crossed legged while trying to remain in her line of sight as much as possible.  
She just blinked, slowly, continuously staring into an empty void.  
He looked down, barely able to look at the pain in her eyes anymore and it had only been a couple of seconds.  
He started to fiddle with a loose bit of cotton on his shirt with his only free hand. The other still bound to support his shoulder in a sling.  
He sighed..closing his eyes a little attempting to regain some of his composure before continuing this battle...  
He knew Alex and most of all he knew what she would be thinking if she were conscious of anything at this point in time..so his first priority was to address that first...

“I don’t blame you Alex...You have to believe me…all of this...any of it...it wasn't...it isn't your fault love, don’t forget that. It's not your fault!.... I’m just glad you're alive, we all are. You have so many people who support and love you, who've missed you so...so much Alex. You're safe now, you..you don't have to be afraid any more sweetheart, its over, we’re here for you, I'm here for you and whatever happens I'll always be here for you, you should know that...always... ”

Nothing...

Matt looked back up to her as she continued to stare and blink like that's all she was programmed to do…had she?  
Could she even see him?...  
Did she know he was even there?...  
Was she somewhere else in her head, still trapped with the one who caused this?  
He shuddered and shook the thoughts away quickly before they consumed him...  
He pointed down...

“You, you haven't touched your snacks, that's a bit unlike you…. thought you liked Wensleydale love. I'd do me Wallace and Gromit impersonation but you and Kaz took the piss last time...but i might do it again if you ask nicely, it always makes ya laugh even though you attempt to deny its funny...”

Nothing…

He tapped his shoe with his fingers a little...

“I...i thought I lost you ya know...Every day i would do this thing...like a ritual i guess, i know it's pathetic. You’d probably call me an idiot for doing it actually... But...well, I would scroll down to your name on me phone and just stare at it for like an hour or so like a complete and utter nutter. Like perhaps you would call me or something, or i would call you even though they said you were gone. I thought that perhaps maybe we could communicate somehow, like I was a bloody modern day spiritualist that could break through to you if I only tried hard enough.  
Fuck...I...I wanted so much just to... I just needed to hear you Alex, can you understand that love? To hear the sound of your voice so bloody much it hurt.  
Your laugh, your innuendos, your wonderful wittering about nothing and everything. Please Alex...please try to talk to me. I know its hard for you but please, just try… Please, you can say anything...anything at all ...Tell me to piss off if you like, but please Kingston...just...I just need to hear you, i need to hear that you're in there…”

There. Was. Nothing.

Matt nodded to himself looking away quickly.  
He was going to break soon.  
God, he wasn't strong enough to do this as tears were threatening to fall and he held them at bay willing them to stay put because he didn't want her to see it. He didn't want to show that he was so shamefully weak after all she’d been through...after all she was still painfully going through...  
He cleared his throat a little, swallowing the heavy lump back down like a golf ball lodged in his larynx.

“Your um...your Doctor seems nice.....i err...i was a bit of a twat to him actually, but he seems to know what he's doing though. Smart...smarter than me anyways. I don't know how...or what...what do i do to make this better…. I need to make this better Alex and i don't know what to do and it's killing me sweetheart. Please stop this and look at me. it’s me Matt…. ”

Silence...

He had to go.  
He was welling up fast and he couldn't break in front of her, he just couldn't..  
He stood up shakily while struggling with one hand.

“Look i err..i have to go now yeah. But i’ll pop back tomorrow, i promise i will...Do you want me to bring anything, anything at all... just say it and it’s done...?”

Nothing…

“Ok well um, I’ll bring you your favourite Belgium chocolates then how about that? You can never say no to those, can you?… So yeah….. I’ll err I’ll see ya soon then Kingston... K ….and please...please do me a favour and try to eat some bloody grapes for christ sakes, there's nothing on you and i don't like it... i don't like it one bit Alex...Do it for me yeah?  
.....ok well... tomorrow then love....”

Matt paced towards the door as fast as he could.  
He couldn't get air into his lungs fast enough as he pressed the button for release and the door clicked open while he barged through into the other room as if it contained all the oxygen he needed to breathe just then.  
He ran his only free hand down his face pressing it into his tear-filled eyes while growling out the frustrating pain he felt from within …

”Arghhh Fuck”...

After a moment of turning on the spot attempting to rain in his emotions a little, he felt a tap on the side and he pulled his hand away from wiping at his eyes.  
The nurse was there already with a glass of water in hand.

“Take your time Mr Smith, you did great...”

He took it swiftly…with a nod of appreciation 

“Thanks…”

After a few gulps of water, he finally took notice of Dr Gomez still observing Alex through the one-way window.

“I didn't think it would be that difficult...but she...she didn't even look at me... it's like...like i wasn't even there...i...i thought she would react…or at least i hoped she would...but...”

“She Did!” Gomez spoke, eyes still stapled on Alex...

Matt took a step closer suddenly confused 

“What?...No...no she didn't move an inch, she said nothing, did nothing... it's like i...”

“Look, Matt…”

Gomez pointed to Alex who was still on the floor but her legs were now flat, as she sat back, her head now resting against the wall, quietly eating grapes from the plate. Staring across to the door. Matt was bewildered.

“As soon as you turned she lifted her head almost immediately and watched you leave. She then almost jumped out of her skin as you slammed the button harshly to exit.  
What did you say to her before you left?”

Matt thought back a little, still overwhelmed by the fact she had followed his form as he left with her eyes. She had seen him.

“I... i told her to...well to, eat some grapes!”

Dr Gomez nodded and smiled brightly to Matt’s still confused and bewildered expression…

“She knew you were there Matt. She heard everything you just said and this is extremely encouraging for us….Her body's still obviously in shock, still trying to process the world around her and Speech... as easy as you think it would be, won't come naturally to her. Either through extreme fear to do so or inability to sustain the words muddled around in her head….She may not be able to find the words yet or she may not have been allowed to speak through her entire captivity, this needs time and constant encouragement for her to recess her new situation and refocus her mind on the matter by feeling safe. She may have been afraid to interact with you just yet, but as soon as you turned you were none threatening and she reacted to it...and she listened to you which is even more encouraging...This is the glimmer of hope we’ve been looking for Matt. Its a start to her healing because she has never followed anyone with her eyes before now or even followed instruction to that degree... So i have to ask you, with permission from her family of course, would you be willing to work with us further with her. Is that something you would be willing to do?”

Matt didn't need to think, his response was immediate...

“Yes...yes I’ll do anything you ask, “

He still couldn't believe it…

“Available tomorrow?”

Matt finally smiled feeling the first glimmer of hope he’d felt in a long time, like the warm sun breaking through the clouds on a cold dark day…There was light...

“Most definitely available tomorrow, ...”

Both men smiled to each other just as Alex finished the last grape on the plate.


	3. My Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like i'm getting a bit deeper involved with this chapter... The first two, i couldn't quite get a grip on it....but i feel like I'm getting somewhere with this one, probably because it has more Matt and Alex interaction...and she finally starts to talk which makes things easier i guess. 
> 
> What are your views...good or bad?

The next day Matt found himself sitting in the same chair opposite the same Psychiatrist as the day before.  
Although today Gomez wore a red classic jumper.

“How is she?”

“Ok, a bit of a rough night...but I won't trouble you with that Matt because we need to focus on today and continue our approach to look ahead of us, not backwards. How are you feeling in yourself anyway, you still ok to do this, i know you're still recovering... I don’t want you to overdo it”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine thanks, i just want to help Alex, i can’t sit at home...”  
“I understand, but don't forget yourself as we do this Matt...trust me it's easy to do once you put someone else's well being in your own hands for a time ...If you're tired or stressed or just simply need a break...then that's fine, ok, you need to look after yourself too”

“Yeah, i get it, I’m fine...Good to go honestly”

“Great, well, Alex has been reading most of the morning...there's a nurse sitting with her now as we don't want her to be left alone for too long when her family isn't here. She’s been told of your arrival and the nurse will leave when you enter to give you two a bit of privacy...or the feeling of it at least. “

Matt's knee started to jiggle. He was anxious to get going, to see her again...

“Um so what's the plan for today then, just go in there and talk to her again like yesterday i presume?”

“Pretty much yes. Your conversation skills were perfectly engaging and you offered her the response time she needed...but the difference being we will attempt to encourage what happened yesterday into further progression. I’m hoping that wasn't a one-off thing from her. So what i need you to do is engage as you already know how to, by keeping a distance, remaining in her line of sight, asking random questions and so on…. But at some point through your time with her, I would like you to casually walk away to look out of the window as you talk.  
I would like to see if she picks up from yesterday, if she will feel confident enough to watch you when you turn your attention on to something else or even respond further when your focus is drawn away from her. Remember that you're safe to turn and we will be watching her every move very carefully...”

Matt rubbed the ache in his neck a little...

“I’m not scared of Alex Dr Gomez”

Gomez sighed as he stood from his chair...

“I know you're not Matt. But as someone who has seen enough people flip like a coin to extremities because of the mental damage they’ve sustained by others, we have to take every precaution necessary to prevent such situations that could occur.  
You have to be aware that Alex, although she is indeed, your friend, she is incredibly ill right now, extremely confused and not in her sound mind and things could go south very very quickly.  
And please call me Eric, for I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of each other”

Matt just nodded anxiously awaiting to see her.  
Gomez pressed the button to call for the same Medical team he’d brought through yesterday to supervise once again as was always routine with visitors to Alex.  
As soon as they entered he motioned for Matt to follow through the door with him into Alex's usual day room.  
She was still reading as Gomez (Eric) had already informed him of, but again she was sitting on the floor, this time her back to the sofa cross-legged. Matt was unsure what the reason for this was and honestly didn't want to think about the answer to that question.  
The nurse was beside her on the sofa drinking a cuppa with a book of her own.  
She smiled as the men entered and stood immediately putting the book on the table to the side. 

“Oh look, Matts here...looks like I’m getting thrown out before i finish that chapter...Need anything before i go hun?”

Alex continued to stare at her book.

“Ok well ring the buzzer if you guys need anything hun”

She walked across the room holding out a hand for Matt to take. His anxiousness shifted a little further away as she distracted him from Alex momentarily.  
Everyone was so friendly and happy here that it felt more like some sort of retreat, rather than a psychiatric unit. He suspected they probably had a spa and did hot stone massages somewhere in the vicinity.

“Hello Matt, nice to meet you finally, if you need anything for yourself just let us know yeah, drinks or nibbles are always available...”

“Yeah thanks”

Gomez tapped Matt on the shoulder raising his eyebrows whilst giving a nod. A silent manly communication of...You can do this..You got this bro!  
Gomez and the nurse left quietly as Matt turned back to Alex once more.  
She wore black leggings today, a white baggy T-shirt with a pair of fashionable sunglasses printed on them. On her feet were fluffy pink socks.  
He smiled down to her….

“Hey love, told you I’d be back today, and guess what…” 

Matt opened his jacket and pulled out a bag hidden from within like his pockets were actually bigger on the inside.

“Got you those Belgium chocolates I promised you, smuggled them in like a pro...Good aren't i?”

Alex turned a page slowly as she continued to read. 

“Um, I'll just put them on the table for you to pick at later if you like...Err, do you mind if i sit with you a bit?”

He waited a moment for a response, when he did get one he put the chocolates on the side table before claiming a spot on the floor in front of her.

“I’m not sitting on the chair if you're not...so don't give me that look Kingston!”

Alex had never given any sort of a look, but if she really could hear and see him like Gomez suggested, then that's probably what the real Alex would have done. She would have rolled her bloody eyes at him for a start. And although Matt was certainly no psychologist in any definition of the word, he was a quick study...He guessed that just because Alex wasn't reacting on the outside, it didn't mean that she wasn't reacting on the inside!...  
Well, that was his theory anyway.

“Have a nice Chinese last night love...hope you ate something at least….?”

He felt a bit more at ease with her silence than he had yesterday. It was nice to see some sort of movement from her at least, even if it was just occasionally turning the page of a book.  
It still pained him indescribably of course, he’d barely got an hour's sleep going over their interaction fifty million times in his head. Could he have done or said anything different? Made more of an impact, to get her to laugh a little or at least speak his name.  
Eventually, his mind caved and the tears tired him out.  
This morning for all better words, he grew balls, or he attempted to inflate them with some manly testosterone at least.  
He was determined to be stronger today.  
This was about Alex and she needed him to hold it together right now. For whatever reason….call it Love if you dare, but he felt responsible for her...and more than that... he wanted to be responsible for her because he didn't want or trust anybody else to do it...was that selfish? Perhaps...he just couldn't help it.

“Spoke to Arthur and Kaz last night….They both send their love by the way, said they’re looking forward to a games night, well, whenever you're feeling up to it of course…Kaz has gotten better at cheating, Arthur says so... better watch out for new tactics...!”

Matt chewed his fingernail a little watching her carefully, she was still so goddamn beautiful. 

“Sooo anyway, um, what ya reading Kingston?”

Matt tilted his head to gander underneath the book, the best way he could...He squinted a little until its title came into focus.

“Mans...Oh, Mansfield Park...is that...Oh, yeah right, Jane Austen...Sounds a bit of a dull read for you that one Alex…….Um, I only know Pride and Prejudice, I watched the series with Colin Firth for period research one time...He was a bit of a wanker wasn't he?..... Not Colin, Darcy i mean...Don’t know what she ever saw in him to be honest….miserable get wasn't he?”

He gave her a moment to respond as usual, as was becoming clearly routine for them now….

“What... not gonna disagree with me?... I bet you would though wouldn't you?….This is prime debatable Kingston material this is... you love a good debate, so I’ll just leave you to stew on that then shall i?... That Darcys a wanker. See how long you can keep quiet about that little nugget !”

That was a low blow, even for him...but it was worth a shot at least. He imagined how passionately she would have responded to that once upon a time...How expressive her hands would have been as she listed a thousand reasons explaining Darcy's cold calculating mannerisms and how undeniably brave and heroic he was to forgo convention to eventually marry the woman he loves.  
He missed her passion for everything so bloody much...  
After a moment’s more silence and after Alex had turned the next page still unattuned to the world around her. Matt finally decided it was time to follow the plan.  
Act one, scene one.  
He sighed heavily and carefully stood up as if he needed to stretch his legs a little…

“What sort of a view you got here anyways, I never did see yesterday?”

He turned walking straight over to the window casually looking out and forwards, which was incredibly difficult when all he really wanted to do was see behind him.  
Thank god for acting classes.  
There were gardens and trees...and oh look a pheasant no less...

“Hmmm, oh..well...could have been worse i suppose...Still pissing it down though…Remember that time when...”

Matt started yapping on randomly about a hotel in Chicago looking out over the greenery when swiftly his focus closed in on a movement against the well-polished pane of the glass.  
He suddenly realized that when he focused he could in actual fact see Alex's reflection on the surface.  
And she certainly wasn't reading anymore, she was watching him. It was startling to witness.  
Their plan had actually worked for whatever the reason, Gomez was right.  
He stuttered a little getting back on track to keep talking, but his entire focus was on her right now. 

“So, er, yeah, never going back there again…”

Soon enough he got a bit stuck in the moment as Alex continued to watch him and words were no longer flowing as easily as they perhaps should have.  
Thoughts crept in...If he turned around now, what would she do?  
Would she look back down to her book quickly as if nothing had happened?  
Would she run and hide as if he were the Devil?  
He dare not move. She was looking at him almost bewildered and even though he could only see her face as merely a reflection….it was still her...Alex was right there behind him  
and he had her attention now.  
The next words that fell out of his mouth were accidental of course in the moment of too much pressure...or at least that's what he would tell Gomez if it all went tits up.  
Sometimes you just have to improvise.

“It's ok to speak to me like this Alex...I won't turn around if you don't want me to...If it's easier this way?”

She startled a little pulling back, wide-eyed, looking from side to side uncertain as he continued to watch her carefully.

“Please Alex....please talk to me...I've missed you so bloody much and I'm still missing you love. Just talk, you once said you could always talk to me about anything... anything...you trusted me...Do you not trust me anymore? Have I failed you Somehow?...”

Matt looked down all of a sudden shaking his head as he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the window with a thud…

“Shit...bloody shit….I know I have ... I failed you! I should have been there... I should have protected you from all this. I should have made them look harder in the beginning and never stop looking because, i knew, I knew it wasn't right, I felt it...i knew you wouldn't have gone near the floods, not even close... I fucking knew it, and I….i should have made them listen to me….It's my fault, i could have stopped all this…its my fucking fault..”

She was quiet, so quiet he almost didn't hear it….but he did….

…………………………………………………. “No”

He spun around so quickly he almost got whiplash from it, his eyes were wet from crying but he didn't even realize and right now didn't really care.  
Alex was standing up, her boring book long since forgotten on the floor.  
She was fiddling with her hands nervously wringing them out over and over again as if she were about to be scolded for ever speaking...

“Alex?”

Matt instinctively took a step towards her but halted abruptly as Alex stepped back.  
He held up his hand in a desperate but rubbish attempt to stop her.

“No wait, please...It's...it's ok...it's just me love…”

She started to chew on her lip looking down unable to meet his gaze any further...but he felt so proud of her as she bravely spoke out once more...even if it was barely audible and one word at a time, that was enough...that was all he needed... something, anything...

“Can’t”

His heart was beating wildly in his chest, he had to keep this going, keep her engaged, focused..

“Why can't you Alex?”

She shook her head erratically taking another step backwards away from him.  
Matt, on the other hand, didn't move an inch, He forced himself to stay put.  
If she needed her space, if it made her feel that bit safer then that was all fine because she was speaking to him now.  
It wasn't enough….she started to crash...

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, ”

She started to panic, hands flying up to cover her ears as if an internal alarm bell rang out through her mind….

“Kill Doctor, Kill Doctor, Kill Doctor, Kill Doctor….NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,... ” Over and over again in a mantra

Matt was frozen watching Alex become unhinged as the door flew open and Gomez entered quickly with the nurse. He acknowledged Matt first, 

“Stay right there Matt... she's losing her grip on reality a little.”

Gomez then engaged with Alex approaching cautiously as she continued to mutter, `no` and `kill Doctor`, repetitively.  
She slowly edged herself into the bookshelf on the far side of the room and as soon as she backed into it she screamed and just kept on screaming...The most violent, ear-piercing scream Matt had ever heard.  
It was a scream that pierced his eardrums with stabbing knives and would be sure to haunt him for the rest of his days.  
He couldn't help but cover his own ears from the violent attack and not just because of its glass-shattering pitch that vibrated his insides to a pulp, but because it was coming from Alex and it scared him to death.  
A sound like that should never ever come from her...Never!  
It all went rather quickly after that and all in a bit of a blur.  
They restrained Alex quickly and effectively, while the nurse wasted no time further as she pierced her skin with a tranquil sedative.  
Gomez spoke smoothly and with calming effect to Alex at all times, talking her through it, as the sedation was quick to take hold.  
He then motioned over to the door where the guy from yesterday was professionally waiting. 

“Ready Harry”

Harry nodded, wheeling in a stretcher when instructed to do so.  
They lifted her up together and fastened her in comfortably as the nurse continued to monitor vitals, checking her pupils and pulse before they eventually proceeded to wheel her away. 

Then there was silence. 

Matt startled when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.  
He looked up quickly, why did he even have his eyes closed and why were his hands still covering his ears?... Oh God, what had happened, where was Alex?  
Matt looked pale, he felt ….yeah he felt….well, .he didn't feel so good.....

“You ok Matt”

Matt shook his head,…` no`

Gomez swiftly pointed over to the bathroom in the corner and Matt was off like a rocket-fueled with vomit.  
Fifteen minutes later Matt walked out lethargically, his arm was out of the sling now as he carried it in his weaker handheld limply at his side.  
Physio was going to be fun when he started that in a couple of weeks.  
Gomez led Matt over to the sofa where he gestured to him to sit...He pulled up the chair opposite to sit across from him as any psychologist would.  
Matt was suddenly a patient it appeared..

“Feeling any better?”

Matt took a deeply controlled breath...

“No, not really Eric”

“You're shocked i know, it's a horrible, excruciatingly painful thing to witness your friend in such a state...But what happened right now….it’s progress Matt…. It's going to be scary and it's going to be horrifically heartbreaking at times, but she's incredibly strong and she's fighting this with all her might, she attempted to reach you and that's good..”

Matt shook his head a little…

“Trust me Matt, she's breaking through to us... to you, and I'm confident of that fact...”

Matt closed his eyes a little before chancing reality once more...

“She was scared!”

Gomez nodded sympathetically...

“I know... I know she was, but she was brave too and we can help her to feel safe once again. It’s just gonna take time that's all….but it's possible, never forget that...”

“Is...is that what they put in her head..to...to kill the Doctor...to...to kill me...is that what they did to her, put that in her head?... She said those words....”

Gomez stood walking over to the water machine to get Matt a cup as he spoke...

“We think so yeah….She wakes up through nightmares chanting the same words sometimes, over and over again….but she also chants `No` a lot of the time too…... This I presume is not merely her fear of the ones responsible for ingraining the act itself to her mind, but it also seems to be like her own defiance against the words themselves fighting back….No….being interpreted as `No, i will not kill the Doctor!` “

Matt took the cup offered to him, taking a small sip to collect himself ...he brooded on Dr Gomezes words…What he was suggesting...  
Now that was the Alex he knew, only she would be capable of arguing with her own bloody mind!  
He made his decision...

“I want to be with her when she comes back around!”

Gomez ran a hand through his spikes, ruffling them up but they bounced right back into place with his presumably super hold gel.

“No….that’s...that's not a good idea Matt!”

Matt stood, walking straight up to Gomez stronger than ever as if he got a second wind about him…he kinda felt like he did.

“You...you don’t know that for sure Eric. She needs more than this, more than what you can offer her right now. And i don’t mean that in a bad way, but I know Alex, i know her, we match, were in sync, always have been and her being alone for seven months would have killed her….She requires interaction on a level that's familiar to her, not only on a mental level but also a physical one tool….Let me hold her hand when she wakes, let her at least feel that I’m real for christ sakes, she looked at me like i was a sodding ghost…. Please Eric….please let me try this, just this once..?”

Eric let out a breath, unconsciously rubbing the ache in his temple…fucking migraine again...

“Bloody hell Matt, i... I can’t let you do that….It could be too much pressure for her, she could withdraw further from us. She could snap away from reality again or potentially hurt you...its too much of a risk Matt….it isn't procedure mate ”

“Oh come on...Alex Kingston laughs at procedure...She would throw all your rules and prescription in the bin and do it her own bloody way….Please Eric….please take me to her, let me just sit with her a while, please?”

Eric finally caved with a slight growl like a dog…

”Argh..., ok fine...ok...but, but…. ok,....oh hell, this isn't how…..ok fine...let's do this then…come along... ”

Matt followed Gomez out of the dayroom and down a small corridor, where he opened the door into Alex's bedroom. She was laid on top of the bed still dressed but with a light sheet covering over her small frame.  
There was a small one-way mirror like there had been in the day room for observation purposes, but there was also a curtain to the side of this one so it could be blacked out when needed for privacy, presumably dressing and such.  
Matt walked in straight away passing Gomez grabbing a chair from the side immediately to place it by Alex's.  
He sat down confidently taking hold of her limp cold hand in his. He finally sighed relief from the familiar delicate fingers in his palm. God, he had missed her this close.  
Perhaps this was a selfish move on his part, he couldn't tell either way and there was no telling how she would react to him being there still...but the ache was too great not to.  
He would comfort her because it felt right, it felt needed right now.

He held her hand with his weaker one, while his other reached up to tenderly brush away a stray curl.

“It's ok Kingston…. I got you, I’m here for you love...!”

Matt looked over to Gomez…

“How long will she be out …?”

“An hour at least….I'll bring you a cuppa then I’ll go to the observation room next door….  
You should be aware that she sometimes hyperventilates when she wakes, forgets where she is ….Try to remain calm and remind her she's safe, but don't hold her down if she panics...that makes things worse…………. You sure you want to do this Matt, because seriously... I’m totally not sure about it...”

Matt swallowed heavily, but looked back over Alex, his everything right there, damaged but... reparable….And he had to believe that, didn't he?.  
He couldn't let go of her... He didn't when she’d had died and he most certainly can’t not now when he had her hand in his.  
Alive. Breathing...Real...!

“I won’t let her down, i have to try something at least!”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt had quietly been sitting holding Alex’s hand for the last forty-five minutes or so when she finally began to stir.  
His heart jumped in his chest as she squeezed his fingers a little.  
He needed to make his move now, no matter how scared he suddenly felt about her possible reaction to his close proximity.  
He leaned over a little, still holding her hand while rubbing his thumb over her skin in soothing circular motions.

“Hey, Alex it's me, Matt...Can’t be rid of me that easily can you? ….They wanted to throw me out earlier, but I used that Kingston charm you taught me about and Gomez caved like a good un...Good aren't i?

Alex blinked back into unrelenting reality once more.  
Her eyes gradually focused on the ceiling for a moment or two before turning her head to the sound of Matt's voice.  
She blinked, once...twice at him before he noticed her once steady breathing had changed its pace...and not in a good calming way. Alarmed.  
The grip on his hand was tightening, she was clearly beginning to panic as her nostrils flared like a wild mustang sensing a predator.  
Remain calm Matt…. Eric had told him...This was expected….But Fuck, that was easier said than done when he was close to certain panic himself.  
Focus Matt, pull yourself together...Bring her back to you, you can do this! For her...For Alex...

“Its ok, you safe Alex... You're in the hospital, remember?….Dr Gomez is right outside this room and your parents are visiting later with a selection of rubbish films apparently. ….Just breath love yeah….nice and steady….”

Only she clearly didn't want to listen to his suggestion because she wasn't breathing steady at all. She was getting increasingly worse and close to hyperventilating now as she slowly pulled herself up to a sitting position.  
Getting ready for fight or flight?... Matt was uncertain which would be best...  
She looked frighteningly pale as she stared wide-eyed at Matt, (why was she afraid of him, why?).  
She slowly let her gaze drop to their hands and gasped her fear, simultaneously ripping her hand away violently while scrabbling off the side of the bed, tripping over herself in the madness, before backing herself fearfully into the corner of the room.  
Her body shook as if she'd been left out exposed on a mountain for a few hours in nothing but her pajamas.  
Her hands covered her ears for some reason once again and all this happened before Matt could even blink.  
He held up his hands automatically...a desperate plea not to fear him. (he was dying inside from the look on her face...like perhaps he was the monster she feared...was he?)

“Alex...Alex, it's me…just breath love yeah...I’m not going to hurt you….I would never hurt you Alex, not ever...Please just listen to me, hear me, trust me...I would never do anything to harm you Alex....”

Matt slowly walked around the other side of the bed as he spoke, hands still held up for her to see, as he approached her with caution.  
She shouted the loudest words he'd heard her from her so far….

“NO...STOP”

He halted his movements quickly…She shook her head as if to shake away her own treacherous thoughts.  
Hands still over her ears as she shook. 

“Alex…?”

“C...Can’t….”

She was trying to tell him something…He could tell she was undoubtedly scared but also frustrated too? Matt frowned a little...trying to read her in any way he could…

“Can’t what love?... What can’t you do?”

“Off...Can’t...Cant...t-take it off…Don't..come near... don’t...”

Matt was utterly confused….she had spoken a full sentence, but he couldn't understand it.  
He watched as she continued to press against her ears... her hands pushing upwards again and again…  
He rolled the words around in his head, attempting to make sense of them.  
Can't take it off...cant take it off... can’t take it off…. ….  
Astronaut...Spacesuit...Helmet...Oh.  
She was trying to take the helmet off…. Fuck…Fuckity fuck...fucking bastards….  
He took a step forward but she flinched at the movement, hyper-aware of every little thing surrounding her now.

“Alright Alex ...listen to me sweetheart….your not in the suit anymore ok...The suit is gone now love ...it's far, far away and you'll never see it again...it's gone. “

“Kill the Doctor…I did... I did.”

“No...no you didnt...i’m here, see, I’m right here “

“K...killed you…i did...i did...i did it….i did...”

Matt swallowed heavily…taking another step towards her…

“No, I'm fine, see, I’m here with you... I’m ok ...”

“Dead...Y-your dead….K-killed you...I...i did it….me….couldn't stop it...couldn't stop,...Shot...Shot you in the head…..me...i did it...!”

He scoffed a little...

“The head...Really?....You're a crap shot Kingston...I mean could you have been any closer love...you’ll never win a teddy bear at a carnival with an aim like that!”

She paused for a moment to look at him squarely almost shocked out of hysterics by his mocking, mouth slightly ajar. Did the bastard just say that….His familiar sarcasm hitting her full force like a bucket of cold water throwing her back into the space between them with a stunned realization. 

“Matt?”

His heart skipped a beat…  
She had finally spoken his name, and not only that….she was looking at him like a switch had been flicked somehow…  
She was looking at him as Alex only would.  
He nodded…

“Yes…”

“I...i think ...Am i dreaming?... This...it feels like a dream most of the time... I can't tell anymore”

Matt swallowed the lump in his throat. His Kingston was talking to him just like she always used to do. So open and honest... ”

“It's not a dream love, this is real...you know i would never lie to you, never have, never will... ”

She chewed on her lip a little and her fingers twitched by her sides tapping slightly against the security of the wall as if only to ground her.

“I’m .... I feel like this is a trick...He tricked me before…am i still in the cellar?...Is...is this another room?”

Matt almost stopped breathing….

`....HE….CELLAR...` (Information...a Man, a man had held Alex, she was kept in a cellar)  
Matt had to keep it together...he couldn't fail her now...she was being so bloody strong...it amazed him.

“It's not a trick, you're safe now Alex. He will never take you away again. I swear. you're in a hospital not far from Victoria park right now!”

That did little to comfort Alex and She started to shake her head swiftly in denial, before she started to breathe heavily again.  
He could see her becoming more and more agitated by the second.  
Shit...what should he do?  
It was all too late because before he knew it she practically shouted at him and with all the hurt and pain and anger she could muster from one so frail...She spat at her target...

“LIES….LIER….I SHOT YOU...I FUCKING PUT A BULLET TO YOUR HEAD….I NEEDED TO DO IT... I HAD TO DO IT MATT….COULDN'T STOP...SALOME...HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN HER TOO, HE SAID SO…..COULDNT FIRE THE THING IN MY OWN FUCKING MOUTH LIKE I WANTED TO COULD I, I TRIED HE STOPPED ME...…. I KILLED YOU…. I KILLED MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND LIKE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL, NOW I’M STUCK IN A FUCKING GODDAM HALLUCINATION WITH EVERYONE HAUNTING ME…. TREATING ME LIKE I’M SOME FRAGILE FUCKING PRINCESS WHO DESERVES TO BE TREATED NICELY….I’M A KILLER...I KILLED YOU...LEAVE ME ALONE…. LEAVE ME ALONE….I WANT TO BE ALONE…..”

Matt marched up to her, he couldn't take anymore…She continued to protest wildly possessed, but he didn't submit and neither did she...

“NO...NO...STOP...STOP IT….ARGHHH I’LL KILL YOU...LET GO…...I’LL KILL YOU….MATT...NO…..NO STOP IT…. ”

Matt was quick to collect her in his arms. She fought against him, violently trying to escape his grip like he was the enemy.  
Gomez raced through the doors with an entourage of a medical team…. Matt shouted across as he struggled to hold her against the angry pain shouting out numerous curses in his shoulder.

“NO..STAY BACK ERIC….KEEP THEM AWAY…”

Gomez didn't look happy at all…

”MATT NO…”

“I SAID FUCKING STAY BACK...LISTEN TO ME….I GOT HER...I GOT HER ERIC...”

Gomez held up his hand to the people behind him..even though he looked increasingly angry at Matts insistence...” two minutes”...(He could offer no further than that)  
Matt's focus returned to Alex who’s back he was now wrestling to hold against his chest.  
She struggled to get loose. Tears filled her eyes, panicked like a feral animal captured by a hunter.  
His attempts to soothe her with words prove inactive as she continued to fight him…  
He took a breath. Then suddenly, in a moment of internal calm and clarity, and for some strange reason and however silly he felt for doing it, he instinctively started to hum out a familiar tune from behind her struggling form.  
The last happy moment they shared together...Sinatra…  
Soon enough his humming eventually turned to song...soothing and sweet and filled with memories of fireworks, tender touches, and promising kisses. Hope.

Her struggling slowed and she gasped before abruptly her legs gave out from beneath her.  
Matt's shoulder couldn't take anymore so he slid down the wall with his arms still wrapped around her waist as she leaned back against him while he continued to sing to her, almost resting his chin on her shoulder, so familiar, as if they were two lovers merely sharing a hot relaxing bubble bath.

“And each time I do just the thought of you Makes me stop just before I begin... Cause I've got youuuu... under my skin”

She was finally relaxed, breathing so steadily she could have been asleep and Matt nodded over to Gomez who’s eyebrows were raised in surprise…  
He shook his head a little exasperated, but Matt was certain he saw the hint of a smile before he and everyone else left the room leaving them to silence once more!  
Matt released his grip on her waist a little as he tucked a stray curl behind her ear, grazing a tender kiss to her cheek affectionately...before whispering against her...

“Good old Sinatra...works every time Kingston...”

She breathed steadily now, relaxed or defeated against his frame between his legs as they sat on the carpeted floor.

She almost whispered...

“We danced…”

He smiled…

“Yeah, we did dance, wanted to impress you with my moves!”

“Mmm, You did!”

“I still got an eye roll though…”

“It's a family trait apparently…were from a long line of eye-rollers”

Matt couldn't help but chuckle…

“It's expressive... I like it…”

She reached to his hand resting on her side and pulled it further towards her visual, to tenderly fiddle with his fingers, lacing hers with his then letting go and repeating the motion.  
He watched her with intrigue and patience as she almost massaged the digits, looking down to his hand as she caressed it...kind of inspecting it for its authenticity.  
There was a moment of pause before she attempted to speak to him again.

“I...i did shoot you... didn't i Matt?”

He sighed a little, but keeping his voice gentle to her ear…

“Yes, but I’m ok Alex…. I’m fine love…It wasn't your fault...”

“I see images sometimes, broken, fragmented like shattered glass in my head…. I see your face in a busy room and each time i blink i get closer and closer….I shake it away but the fragments remain only they change …... Sometimes i see nothing but the darkness, that's ok, the dark meant rest….sometimes i see a blinding light and he's there stopping me from sleeping...pushing my head in a barrel of iced water and holding me down until i succumb through my panic to await my fate. A fate I eventually craved...He never allowed it though..even as I would attempt to hold myself down he always brought me up at the last second gasping and coughing for an air I did not want anymore. He liked to start lesson time with that….sometimes finnish with it too to remind me.”

Matt's heart couldn't take anymore….she had suffered so, so much, more than he ever dared to think about...

“Alex…Oh god I’m so, so sorry…..”

She shook her head a little, still fiddling with his fingers...

“You...you don't know how many times he made me shoot your face Matt….how many times he...he made me kill you…and it happened, didn't it?... It must have done because i see images of it sometimes in the glass in my head….You're there and i’m there and you're talking to me.... I don't know what you're saying, it's all kind of fuzzy… and i had to make sure it was you, so i lifted my visor and there you were like from the pictures in the cellar…. Only you were different this time, you looked tired, sad, you looked scared…...scared of me…. I don’t know why…., another trick perhaps? I reach out to touch you because I’m sure your another dream, I’ve seen you allot in my dreams…. but then suddenly I….i see you fall, like in slow motion you fall, crashing down to the ground and I…. I don't know why…I want to, but i can't move to help you,…...but It takes me a moment to see it...to see the smoke swirling around my hand...Then suddenly i realize what I've done...and that this one time it wasn't merely a picture of you that had eventually become so easy and routine for me to shoot…. It was you, the real you…  
I killed my best friend...now he haunts me in this other questionable prison, where people are nice and my family comes to visit, expecting me to be...well someone called Alex... I can’t be Alex….I can’t be anyone because i don't want to exist anymore, so i don't... and when Matt comes to me...My beautiful Matt, i don't want him close... because…..because I’m so afraid it will happen again...that i will kill him again and again because nothing can stop me from doing it now I've already done it...So this is my hell….this is it for me...Perhaps i will eventually drown in it all, perhaps i will find some peace in the end...if there is ever an end to this hell we're living.“


	4. Trust in you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will be hugs and tears, a Rubix cube and a Gun ...things like that! LOL

Matt couldn't speak for a while...it was all way too much to take in…  
She had spoken to him as if telling a story, only she was both the author and character within it and it wasn't a nice story, but one of those that would be forever ingrained in him for the rest of his life..   
A story that held images you didn't dare dwell upon for too long because it hurt so bloody much to think about it.   
A painful tormenting truth that you wished to be fiction...only it wasn't...it was fact.

She had continued to play with his fingers like a stress relief toy while they sat there in an almost comfortable silence on the floor.   
She was relaxed in a way, whether stuck in a daydream or focused in the moment of her therapeutic twiddling of his hand, he did not know.   
Whatever she was thinking, she was content to sit with him for now, so he let her, afraid to interfere with the moment. Afraid to say something that he perhaps shouldn't...or maybe just because he actually couldn't just then.  
She eventually placed his hand carefully away to the side, then pushed upwards a little...He wanted to restrain her, to keep her near….but it would have been wrong of him to do so.  
He was relieved however when she didn't move away, she just turned around more fully to face him.   
Curious.  
Her face so close to his now that he could feel the warmth of her breath blowing against him from the gap between her lips.   
Her hand slowly traveled up cautiously to touch him...she pulled away a little hesitantly before finally succumbing to her will. She touched his face like it was a forbidden fruit then delicately ran fingers up through to gently caress strands of his hair as if it were something new enticing.   
He couldn't help but notice that she still smelled deliciously of Alex. 

“You really are here aren't you?”

He gently smiled as he reached out to place a hand on her cheek…She kept needing reassurances of what she was seeing, that much was obvious.

“Yes I’m here Kingston, you needn't be afraid…”

Her eyes drifted downwards a little, before coming back to meet him once more…

“It's not you I'm afraid of...i was the one that….where did i……?”

Her eyes scanned his body urgently seeking for the answer she sought, before slowly her fingers trailed down his neck like a trickle of warm water, sending shivers surging, rippling down his spine.   
He couldn't help the increase in his breathing at that, and he hoped to god she didn't notice how hot he suddenly felt from the tender touch of her hands…  
Her touch... On him...His Alex.  
Oblivious to Matt's internal burning furnace, her fingers continued along their path as they ran down moving over along his collarbone, to the left side of his chest.   
She paused and looked up to his eyes carefully before drifting them across to the right side startling a little when he winced and tensed as she reached the destination she sought..  
She pulled back swiftly...eyes flying wide like saucers.

“S...sorry...”

The word came out and he could almost feel the gut-wrenching curl of her abdomen that she believed it was a stupid fucking word and one that could never excuse what she did...That she should never ask for forgiveness from him because she didn't deserve it.   
She cowered away shamefully, recoiling in horror by the simplicity of the word she had used so openly.  
He felt her pull away through her own self-hatred. 

“No Alex...stop it... please...it wasn't your fault love”

She only scrambled to stand and he followed her up desperately but his limbs were stiff like cardboard.. She held up a shaking hand to halt him before he had a chance to approach or touch to calm her…

“Leave….please go….”

She wouldn't look him in the eyes anymore….a thousand bullets to the chest wouldn't hurt as much as her avoidance did.

“Alex…”

“Argh…. NO...STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!...I’M NOTHING…I WANT TO BE NOTHING..i’m not your Alex anymore Matt, I’m not…I’ve hurt you and i will hurt you again, i swear to god i will. Don't come back, I don't want you ...I swear it... I will kill you the next time I see you, I mean it... I bloody well mean it Matthew, don’t you dare come back here!” 

She marched over to the mirror and slammed the yellow button on the side, before she paced over to a corner of the room and crashing down to sit on the floor once more with her knees up hugging tightly to her chest, head resting to the side.   
This was not unlike the first day he saw her, only this time she was mumbling `no` to herself as she closed her eyes to shut out the world, or exist in a world of her own. Alone.  
Gomez walked in looking between them both intensely…

“Come on Matt, time to go”

Matt shook his head adamantly, 

“What?…. No….i don't bloody think so!”

Gomez stepped forward sternly, a hand on Matt's arm. No nonsense...

“I’m not asking you Matt, it's time to leave….Now!”

Matt took one last look over to Alex..she didn't move and was still chanting `no` but he spoke out anyway....

“You can’t scare me Kingston. I know what you're doing, so don't even try that shit with me...You are not nothing and you will never be nothing, not to me, no matter how much you want it…  
I won't let you quit on your life, not ever…. you're stronger than this, i know you are...Don't let him win ...don’t you dare let him win Alex ! ... I’ll see you tomorrow”

Matt marched past Gomez who quietly followed suit….

Gomez followed him out of the room and down the corridor and Matt was about to leave in haste before Gomez called out to him…

“Matt, wait up a minute!”

Matt spun around sharply…

“WHAT?... You wanted me to leave, I'm leaving...You make the rules right?”

Gomez rubbed his aching brow a little.   
Dealing with his patients was one thing, but dealing with the people attached to them was the biggest struggle of all.

“Yes, that's right Matt...but remember, i didn't want you to leave just then, Alex did, and you have to respect that. Respect her choices, because she has one now and she needs to be able to see that she can voice it!  
She's come so far in such a short amount of time and that's all down to you but we can’t afford to push her right now.   
She needs time to breathe, to navigate her way a little, and to think.  
But i have to say, the progress you've made with her today is remarkable, can’t you see that, what you've achieved so far? And we even got some answers today about the one who took her which is incredible considering her lapses with reality... I'm going to relay all that information back to the detective in charge about the things she let slip just now, any detail we get will help her and not only that help bring the person responsible down too... So tell me Matt ...because i honestly don’t know...why are you so sodding angry about this...?”

Matt ran a hand through his hair, as he paced with clear agitation.

“Fuck….fuck I’m...i don't know ok...it’s..it’s lots of things Eric...I’m angry that she wants to give up on everything she was….and everything she could be.   
I’m angry because `HE` fucking hurt her so bloody much that i want to fucking kill him and i want him to die in the most painful way imaginable, to see his body rot through flesh and bone and it still won't be enough for what he's done to her…  
I’m angry that she doesn't want me to be there anymore, that she believes without a doubt that she's a danger to me and she’s pushing me away from her like our wonderful friendship meant nothing at all worth saving...worth fighting for ok...ok?...And that's only a snippet of why i am angry…”

Gomez nodded, with a heavy sigh…

“Yes, and to all of the above…and you need to know that the latter of that we are going to work on as soon as possible I assure you. It's already underway.   
I have been in liaison with the Scotland yard to secure a weapon of a similar distinction which we could use as a prop, similar to the one she used in the spacesuit.  
Now we don't know if she knew what the weapon looked like yet or if it was always fixed into the suit...But again, today we have gathered some information after today's recordings that could help us.  
She said she had shot your face a lot... I'm presuming the pictures were hung up in the cellar or he used life-size cutouts of some kind for target practice. I would say with a silencer, but that's neither here nor there. I'm no expert on weapons…  
In any case, this is the one priority that must be addressed to ensure Alex's mental wellbeing and also to sedate our own re-assurances in her personal ability to function without projecting herself as a threat to anyone.   
As disturbing as it sounds, we need to see if she would do it again. How she would react if given the opportunity.  
We need to ensure that this belief of hers...that she is a danger to you, is unfounded and I really do hope it is Matt!”

Matt's mouth was ajar...a little stunned at what Gomez was insinuating…

“Y-you think she would shoot me again, you truly believe that?”

Gomez shook his head a little…

“I honestly... I don't know Matt!”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt once again had a restless night as images of Alex's words haunted him to no end.   
He would see flashes of her face pressed into a barrel of water struggling and panicking to break free. Her hands grasping the sides of its splinter filled edges in an endless effort to get air in her lungs.  
A large forceful hand, manly and rough with callouses pressed tight within her curls, gripping her skull like a vice in extreme demand to keep her submerged as she struggled and fought against him.   
The inevitable outcome as she eventually stilled into lifelessness…  
Her face was pale as white marble and eyes so wide that they called out to him, screaming out for his help even through death as her head floated lifelessly in the water.   
He gasped into wakefulness, his dampened sheets twisted around his legs and ankles as he struggled to exit the bed to escape to the cooler confines of the bathroom floor where he could throw up into the blessed toilet once more.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“OK...I’m not gonna lie….You look like shit”

“Oh thanks, that's nice... And a good morning to you too Eric!”

“Matt... seriously, i think you need to take a break from this”

“Not gonna happen!”

Gomez sat at his desk running his hands tiredly down his face…

“Christ, you're so bloody stubborn... are all actors like this?”

Matt sat opposite him sipping his coffee, a little bit smug about the fact 

“Guess so, ...but you're one to talk...not looking so cracking yourself there...Rough night too?”

“You could say that yeah”

“Alex?”

“Two steps back…”

Matt nodded understanding…

“Not said anything else since yesterday then?”

“Nope, nothing. No eye contact with anyone since you yesterday..”

“Well she didn't want me to come back, hopefully she'll get angry at me or something!”

Gomez was particularly quiet as he pushed the chair back.   
He pulled out a bunch of keys from his pockets and walked over to a unit on the wall. Unlocking the drawer he pulled something out, Matt couldn't tell what it was until he placed it out on the desk before him.

“Was dropped off an hour ago, we have it for three days...unloaded of course...but I've been assured it's just like the one they found on her.”

Matt looked at the gun on the desk. He’d see props of such weapons of course, he was an actor for goodness sakes...But looking at that weapon right now he felt a dread in the pit of his stomach and a stabbing pain in his shoulder that he'd almost forgotten.   
He rubbed his chest unconsciously 

“Shit...your um...you're gonna what?.... Show it to her...give it to her, like... I mean today...right now?”

“No, not like that, well not yet anyway. We have to be delicate about this, so I want us to go about this slowly and sit down with all of us together. A bit like a group therapy session if you will, I do a private one with Alex every day... She's used to me talking about things, even if she doesn't respond to the things I have to say. I’m sure some of it soaks through.  
We’ll have a little chat about things and explain to her what's going to happen. She needs to have a chance to prepare herself if possible, before I offer you up as a potential target.   
Also, we can’t forget that she did tell you to leave yesterday when she appeared to be coherent and told you not to come back... so I’m not sure how, or if, she will respond to you this morning”

Matt watched as Gomez placed the weapon in a small black bag to discreetly hide it away before they entered the room to see Alex.  
Once more she was sitting on the floor below the window, legs crossed fiddling with, from what Matt could see, a Rubix Cube.   
Gomez breezed through grabbing two light chairs from the dining table…

“Wanna grab one Matt?”

He nodded, taking a chair as they walked over to Alex. Gomez talked as he approached her placing the chairs down leaving a fair bit of space between them.   
Matt placed his the same distance away. 

“Morning Alex,... Oh...still trying to figure out Salome's Rubix cube, I take it…?”

He chuckled a little, 

“Good look with that... I only ever got one side, been trying since I was about thirteen, so please don't show me if you complete the blasted thing... I won't be amused in the slightest!”

Gomez sat down on a chair, as Alex said nothing... Still focusing her attention on the cube.   
Matt was unsure if she even knew he was here yet actually, she hadn't looked up once, not even a little bit.

“Hey Kingston, how are you love? ”

Matt kept standing; he didn't want to sit on his chair just yet...Alex continued to rotate the cube in her hands unresponsive or unwilling to engage with the men.

Gomez pursed his lips a little like he had expected some sort of response from her when Matt spoke today.   
He straightened his back and reined in his features professionally before speaking again...

“Thought i would do our session a little earlier than usual Alex because as you can already see, Matts joined in with us today...How do you feel about using the chairs this time? …, Orrrr are you going to make Matt sit on the floor once again because I sense that he feels uncomfortable doing certain things without you?”

Nothing…

After a moment Gomez shrugged his shoulders at Matt letting him make the decision...sit where you will... chair or floor, up to you...  
Matt moved the chair aside and sat on the floor with Alex.   
Gomez smirked a little, as he stood up pushing his chair back in order to follow suit.

“That's right...gang up on me, make me feel like I’m the bad guy here eh...I always hated bloody camping...but perhaps we could have ourselves a little carpet picnic later, i kinda like the idea of that.”

He took a long over-exaggerated sigh…

Aarrr well anyway, before we start. I’d like to say Thank you Matt for joining our session this morning... I know it's not easy for you either Matt and I'm sure Alex is with me on this when I say we appreciate it. So thanks a lot for doing this...”

Matt smiled a little, with a hint of a blush, although he was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the situation right now. Or perhaps it was the thought of the realistic gun concealed in the bag beside Gomez that had him unnerved a little too much.  
Gomez continued…

“So Alex, you're probably wondering why I've brought this one in to join us with our chat today, and, well the answer is pretty much explained by the fears you shared with Matt yesterday...Something that i feel is important for us to address. And that is the fear that you're going to hurt him again, or even perhaps worse...kill him. Do you still feel like this Alex...that you are a danger to Matt, or to anyone else for that matter?”

Nothing in the way of a sound came from Alex, although anyone could clearly see that her focus on twisting the cube was becoming increasingly agitated by the second.  
Gomez eyed her carefully then looked over to Matt who squirmed a little under the pressure of scrutiny by the geeky psychiatrist.   
(So this is why he never went to Therapy!)

“Matt, how do you feel about Alex? Are you afraid she's going to hurt you... do you see her as a threat now after what happened at the convention?”

Matt frowned…although he was quick and secure in his response...

“What??? No...don't be ridiculous... I would never…i...”

Before he knew it was coming the Rubix cube had been launched at him like a hand grenade, narrowly missing his ear as it collided with the wooden fruit bowl on the table behind him.  
His body jerked helplessly, as he narrowly escaped the colorful projectile.

“SHIT... ALEX...???”

Looking swiftly to Alex, his chest-beating wildly he was gobsmacked by what she just did.   
It came out of nowhere and now she was subjectively pinning him down to the spot with what could be considered as a death stare.   
Gomez held strong...Skillfully attempting to calm things down a bit before they erupted into something he could no longer handle.   
Secure in the fact that his team was currently on standby. .

“Ok...take a few breaths. His response angered you Alex, why?................. You're angry because he doesn't fear you and you think that he should?.......................You want him to fear you or even expect him to because of what happened?”

She held her unwavering vexed glare on Matt with a stubborn focus and purpose... like Gomez had spoken nothing but drivel.  
Matt's heart was now in a state of distress, not only from the shock of the flying Rubix cube narrowly missing his face but from the belligerent look she was giving him.   
He swallowed it down, holding his own and never broke eye contact with her, even egged her on in a way, almost daring her to blink first!   
Gomez grabbed his bag swiftly as the two of them continued a strange extraordinary standoff…  
This was something he would contemplate later for sure.   
His interest with the less than ordinary interaction between these two strange beings peeked by Matts almost equivalent response to Alex’s provocation!...   
The two of them were both highly unusual and extremely unpredictable in their interactions.   
He couldn't help but be fascinated by them. A Psychologist's dream.  
He cleared his throat a little...

“I’ve brought something for you to look at Alex. You may recognize what it is or as something familiar to you or maybe you won't...but what matters is what you intend to do with it that counts, or what you think you might do with it.”

Gomez took the weapon out slowly, placing it carefully on the ground in front of her.   
After a second or two Matt’s gaze finally broke free as his eyes twitched to the weapon between them, but immediately went right back to meet her. Requesting her to look.   
After a couple more seconds that probably felt like an eternity for everyone involved, Alex’s eyes flickered downward to land on the gun as Matts had just done. Only this time they stayed there unmoving in focus...After a moment or so she slowly reached out to take the weapon almost confidently like a phone in her hand. Her breathing was steady, calm, too calm for the circumstance.   
Matt looked quickly across to Gomez who was watching every minuscule detail that Alex was making.   
He frowned a little then looked back over to Alex who was now holding the gun in her right hand, a finger covering the trigger as she seemed to test the feel and the weight in her hands.  
His mouth was suddenly dry….his heart now drumming a pulse in his ears.   
The disturbing visual wasn't enough to stop him though and he didn't know why he said it..Emotional insanity...? Who knew.....

“DO IT!”

She looked up to him intensely. The blackness of her irises now nearly covered the green.  
He looked down to the weapon she held in her hands then back up to her.   
He inched closer ...   
Gomez spoke out…

“Maaatt... Don’t ...”

He ignored whatever concerns the Doctor was having. His entire focus was on Alex right now. Just him and her. And a Gun between them.

“You want to shoot me?... Is that what you want love? Go right ahead I’m here, shoot me in the head…. I dare you to do it!”

She played with the gun, lightly tapping the trigger in a repetitive motion, thinking...biding her time...Taunting a little bit too perhaps.   
Eventually, she finally engaged him vocally through the fog and intensity of the atmosphere 

“Is...is this the one...Is this it?.... I never saw it like this...it's really quite small….He, he always put me in the suit to shoot... was fitted into the glove somehow….clever right?  
...Still... it feels the same in my hands somehow, although it’s lighter without the heaviness of the fabric sleeve...  
I wonder….does it aim the same?”

She abruptly held up the weapon in a flash of a move, pointing it sharply across to Matt's face.   
In an instant, he knew what she was doing...Probably the only one who did in that second.  
He knew that face and it definitely wasn't the face of a killer.   
That was his Kingston using her brilliance and talent against him. Even now, she never ceased to amaze him.   
He let her carry out her little production because she needed to realize he would not turn away from this.

“Oh would you look at that darling, yes...yes it does...Does it shoot the same?….Wanna find out?”

Matt was stupidly unwavering as he moved closer, so close in fact that shockingly to everyone behind the glass in the other room he went on and pressed his head into the nub of the gun. Everyone knew it wasn't loaded but that small little detail didn't make the situation seem or feel any less real than it was.

Gomez almost flipped out, standing abruptly, 

“SHIT... Matt stop it right now, you're pushing too far…”

Alex only pressed the nub of the gun deeper into the skin on Matt's forehead, provoked and demanding, burning with fury…  
He never blinked once.

“Do it”

She tilted her head a little..with a scowl to scare children.

“I will…I will do it Matthew...”

“Then, what are you waiting for Kingston?... It's not like you'll miss”

She bit her lip so hard it almost bled…

“It's...it's empty..”

“Is it really?... Wanna find out?”

She growled a little, pushing the gun further against him.!

“Argh...fuck...Why do you have to be…...why are you….Just because I'm not doing it now, doesn't mean I won’t do it tomorrow Matthew... I’m a dangerous human being…. I’m a danger to you...”

He smiled a little, she was anything but...

“No..no your not love”

Tears started to well in her eyes as she began to lose any kind of strength she had attempted to cling onto…

“I fucking am Matt...I’m scared of myself around you and I want you to be scared of me too. I want you to fear me...I want you to leave because at least then I know you’ll be safe…I'll know you’ll be ok…. that i can’t hurt you anymore.

Her voice was shaking now as tears fell in a constant stream of emotion.   
The effort to hold the gun against his head had become too much as she finally gave up on the fight against him. Her hand fell down and she dropped the weapon against her thigh like a lead weight she could no longer cling to.

“Why...why did you do that Matt..why?”

His hand wasted no time as it caressed her cheek…He smiled adoringly...

“Because I trust you Kingston... I know yourself better than you do love!”

She broke down in a sob...

“Bastard...you stupid fucking bastard, i hate you!”

He almost smirked…

“No...no you don’t sweetheart “

It was all too much as she instantly reached up throwing her arms around his neck, her legs straddling his lap. As a baby monkey would cling to its mother.   
His shock in the moment was overcome quickly as he melted into the warmth of Alex and wrapped his arms around her protectively while she clung on to him for dear life crying a waterfall into his shirt.

“I’m sorry... I'm so, so sorry…. I don't want to hurt you, I never...I never wanted to hurt you, not ever…. Please Matt, I'm sorry...Oh god, I'm so sorry!”

Matt breathed into her shoulder, holding her as close and as tight as he could.   
His Kingston. His everything, so brave and strong and alive.  
His own tears fell, because here she was, like she should always be, back in his arms where she belonged. 

“Shhh, it's ok, I've got you….Not your fault...none of this was ever your fault ok, nothing….It was him, just him and it's over now, it's time to come home, let us help you. I've got you, your safe…..Shhhh it's ok my beautiful brave girl….shhhh I’ve got you sweetheart...you're safe...” 

They cried and hugged until eventually, they drained of everything and all that was left was a surreal blend of calm.   
They hadn't seen when Gomez had left but he was no longer there and neither was the weapon on the floor when Matt finally lifted his head, he appreciated that. This was a private moment right now and both of them needed it.  
He kissed her head softly, she felt wonderful wrapped in his arms and he wanted it longer, she needed it too.

“Wanna come sit with me on the sofa a bit...?”

She pulled back, rubbing her reddened eyes exhaustedly like a child about to fall asleep in his arms. 

“Um, ye-yeah ok”

She climbed off Matt’s lap wearily as both of them stood with jelly-like limbs; he wasted no time as he took the lead on this, taking her hand to guide her over to the beckoning sofa.   
She hesitated a little as he sat on the comfort of the soft beige cushions but as soon as she faltered he smiled tenderly with gentle understanding, squeezing her hand a little for a required nudge of confidence.. 

“It's ok, I've got you Kingston...come snuggle a bit, yeah?”

She worried her lip a little before climbing quickly up beside him snuggling straight into his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder immediately.   
This felt slightly familiar, something they had done on a couple of occasions, when Alex had indulged in a little too much wine and popcorn enforced by Karren during movie nights in Matts cozy Cardiff flat.   
She tucked her legs up off the floor. Laying her arm naturally over his waist as he covered over her arm with his, stroking the smooth skin softly, still mindful of the bruising on her wrist.   
He smiled to himself...This was a great step forward.

“I still can't believe you almost knocked me out with a Rubix cube Kingston”

She curled her face into his T-shirt a little…Was she hiding a smile? He hoped she was...as she mumbled seemingly embarrassed into his top.

“Oh god, I'm sorry...I was aiming for the Tv...”

He laughed out loud now…

“The bloody tv woman? That was on the other soddin side of the room…”

She lifted her head now with a habitual backchat that was wonderfully reassuring for him to hear.

“I skived P.E Matt...”

He chuckled, squeezing her small frame into his side further. Never letting go.

“Course you did love...God I’ve missed you”

He held her tightly in a few restful moments of quiet as Matt continued to draw patterns on Alex’s arm.   
She then gazed up to him... 

“Does...does it hurt ….your shoulder i mean...does...does it still hurt?

Matt sighed a little, of course she would still be worrying about him. Oh, how he wished she wouldn't. 

“No, not now...just get the odd twinge now and again, still on some pain relief, so can’t feel much anyway. Just a bit weaker than anything else, physio will help that though...Was a nice clean shot, all the way through...You missed anything problematic, don’t worry about it, it's fine...”

She sat up a bit further, with a too-cute frown... 

“It ...it went all the way through...You...you mean it came back out?”

“Err yeah...in the front of me shoulder, out the back..”

Tears started to well again in her eyes and he quickly pulled her back into his chest kissing her curls over and over again for comfort, his or hers it didn't matter right then…

“Hey, hey, enough of that love, please don’t cry about that, I'm fine, it's all ok... I mean it's not gonna stop me from doing me lanky giraffe dance now is it?  
...I forget it's even there sometimes and it’ll only get better, so please don't worry about that...i don’t want you to think on it for one second more...”

“But i nearly killed you Matt...i could have...!”

“But you didn't Alex, and wanna know what i think...what i truly believe love?”

She rubbed her eyes a little, sniffing while grasping his shirt tightly between her fingers in an effort to stay grounded away from the unruly thoughts that shattered her head. 

“W-what?”

“I think you had to pull that trigger on me, no doubt about that, there was no way around it Kingston. The doctors know it, even i know it and I'm no professional. But I do know you.   
It had been viciously ingrained deeply inside you love….But you were supposed to aim for my head weren't you?… You said so yourself, that you had always been shooting my head in the pictures, and, well, I think after seven months of shooting those targets, I think you probably became pretty good at it. Spot on in fact...Never missed a shot or he wouldn't have been confident enough to release you to do it…  
But when the time came Alex, you didn't do what was expected of you...didn't follow through with the plan because I think that some part of you fought back against his control….  
I mean, don’t you see it?…. You aimed your weapon down Alex...drew your target to the safest possible option you had... primarily away from my head, away from my stomach and away from my heart as much as you could.   
You knew you had to shoot me...so you aimed slightly down and to the right...it was the safest possible shot you could ever have taken, one that you were certain wouldn't kill me because you're clever. I mean come on...you worked in ER for christ sakes, must have learned a thing or two from that with your acute dedication to character and he... the Mad twisted Fucker...he didn't know how clever you are! How bloody unpredictable and tenacious......…. That's what I believe love, because you're so, so strong because you're so bloody amazing that I know beyond doubt that's what happened that day. He tried to kill me and you bloody well saved me...you saved me Alex...“

She was quiet for a while, taking it all in as she sniffled against him...His top was crumpled and ruined with tears and snot but he didn't give a damn about that as he attempted to comfort her fears. 

“I’m…. I’m scared I’m losing control again Matt... i...i feel like i don't belong in my own head most of the time...it's like i can’t cope being inside it, there's too many things in there..wrong things that shouldn't be there...and it hurts so much, it feels so heavy on my shoulders that i don't want to support it, i can't handle the weight of it all...So I just want to lie down and never wake up….I feel lost all the time... i don't know who i am anymore or which way to turn. There is no escape. It's like I’m still stuck, huddled on the cold damp floor, still there waiting for him to wake me if i dare close my eyes. I feel my face thrown into the water and I'm gasping, clinging onto nothingness ... I can still see his face with every turn i make...Its... it's like i can never get out of that cellar and that suit”

The words killed him on the spot, but even though they hurt, she was trusting, honest and true and that was a relief for him.   
He placed a gentle secure finger under to raise her chin, to look at her.

“Well I know who you are Alex... Let me lead the way for once... I’ll get you out of there, I promise I will.   
Will you let me?...Will you finally stop pushing me away Alex, let me help you a little?”

She rested her head back on his chest while closing her eyes. Her hands still clenched to his shirt, tightening.   
Her whispered words made him suddenly smile with relief and offered a strange sense of hope he’d been needing to hear ever since her return.   
She hadn't given up on the fight quite just yet..

“Yes, I’ll try. With you... I’ll try...”


	5. why are you here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a smaller chapter, got a slight blip of a confession from Matt, i'm not sure about it so early on...what do you think...dont hold back LOL? 8-)

They sat there on the sofa quietly chatting to each other for longer than they knew.  
Eventually, Gomez came back through with a tray of sandwiches, drinks, and cakes for them both.  
Matt smiled as he watched him cater to them placing the tray down on the coffee table beside him. 

“Looks like you're putting someone out of a job there Eric?”

“Yeah well, just wanted to see how you were getting on and it's way past lunchtime you know, brought you both some nutritious delights that I can't really take credit for.“

Matt glanced at his watch…

“Oh Shit your right. Thanks for this though, looks good…”

Matt tilted his head to Alex who he noticed had gone quiet and tense against his chest. 

“There's chocolate cake Kingston...spotted that first...Gonna join me?”

No answer…

Matt glanced up to Gomez who waited patiently, then back to Alex …

“Dr Gomez has been taking care of you love, come on...why don't you just say hi to him. I’m sure he’d love to hear it... after all, he did bring us lunch with desert? ”

Alex gave Matts' shirt one final squeeze between her clenched fist before she turned her head to look at Gomez properly for the first time.  
He smiled down to her softly.  
She chewed her lip a little before speaking to him.

“Hi...Dr..um...thanks for lunch...i...err..sorry, yeah...Thank you!”

Matt gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze... he was so bloody proud that she had communicated to another. That must have been difficult.  
Gomez almost danced on the spot, his eyes engulfed with delight...

“No problem Alex... you're extremely, very welcome and it's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face...Hopefully, err... you can take Matt off my hands a bit now?... He’s a full-time job that one...even when he leaves he’s on the goddamn phone to me!”

“OY...Rude... I’m right here you know..”

Gomez chuckled and felt internally satisfied that he drew the tiniest hint of a smile from Alex.  
That was more than he could ever have hoped for.  
Alex looked away after their brief interaction, almost hiding back into Matt's chest once more.  
It was all good though, she had climbed mountains today and Gomez was incredibly happy with the result.  
Alex had finally found a grounding in Matt once she had him beside her in such a way.  
He appeared to be an anchor for Alex, a safety net, something that she required at this time to catch and support her, and in doing so, to keep her focused on reality..the now.  
He unknowingly encouraged her confidence in a calm and unpressurized manner and quite frankly, kept her away from her own self-destruction for a time….

“You are!.... Ahh, Anyway... well, I’ll leave you guys to it i guess... Eat up, and i do mean the both of you!”

Matt smirked a little...

“Ok, but we're starting with cake FYI...cos you're so bloody bossy!”

Gomez shook his head, with a heavy over-exaggerated sigh as he left…”Kids...”

When the door finally closed Matt kissed Alex's head affectionately before he pushed her up a little to sit.

“He’s a right old character, isn't he? Like him though...could have been an actor that one, bit weird like us…..”

Alex hummed a little as Matt pulled the tray further forward towards them.

“Right come on love, let's get some of this fuel into ya…”

Matt made no comment when Alex left a hand resting on Matt's thigh for some reason.  
She looked at the tray of food and squirmed rather uneasily at the goodies it entailed.

“I...i’m not very hun…”

“Don’t say it…”

He passed her a plate with a ham salad sandwich on…

“EAT IT”

She scowled at him for that, he wanted to laugh so bloody much because there she was, his feisty lioness, showing her fangs against his annoying rule.  
He couldn't keep up the pretense of demand with her and broke less than a second later…. Shameful. He swiftly changed to something that suited him better and looked pleadingly at her, gave her the puppy dog eyes too for good measure. 

“Please Kingston, just a bit...for me, yeah?”

That did it for sure. Works every time with Alex that one.  
She looked at the sandwich carefully, then back over to the tray of other delights with scrutiny before looking back up. 

“...you said we could start with the cake didn't you?”

He did laugh then. How adorable could she be?. His heart flipped a beat.  
He took her sandwich away chuckling but without question, replacing it promptly with a lovely slice of chocolate cake and cream.  
She smirked deliciously and it was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen in his life.  
She was doing incredibly right now...better than he could have ever imagined. Of course, he wasn't that naive in thinking that this was it...the big turn around and all would be well again….  
For this was but a moment, and there were going to be plenty other moments that would not be so forgiving. Moments that would threaten to overshadow any knowledge of progression she'd ever made before then...But as long as he still held breath in his lungs, he would remember this triumphant step in her recovery, and how it felt just to see it, to see that exquisite smile and twinkle of life back into her eyes.  
And no matter how many steps back she would take... which she was inevitably going to take, no doubt.  
He would remember this moment and be sure to encourage just one more step forward from her...Because that look...that cheeky delightful sinful look of hers that should be illegal, was worth its weight in gold and a thousand billion stars in the sky for that matter.  
And no soul on Earth should ever be denied that!  
They spent the rest of the day together just gently chatting about random mundane things of no consequence, but highly valuable in its fond familiarity.  
There were moments of comfortable silence reading or listening to Matt's expansive range of music from his playlist that spanned a number of decades, until suddenly the evening was upon them and Gomez entered the vicinity once more.  
Gomez was once again concerned about how this was gonna go.  
He’d been monitoring Alex throughout the day carefully and noticed that she had been a constant shadow against Matt's side throughout the day.  
She held on firmly to her anchor, whether it be by his hand, or against his chest, his thigh, his shirt sleeve, anything she could grasp, the physical contact seemed to be required in her turbulent mind.  
He noticed that when Matt had gone to fetch them both a water from the machine...Alex looked startled by his departure and instantly paled to ashen.  
Gomez could see her attempting to maintain some level of composure, as she wrung out her hands in a constant stream of uncomfortable agitation, while she watched on as Matt fought and mumbled common expletives with the dipsy machine.  
Matt hadn't noticed her agitation but was fast to return with drinks and a smile and Alex was quick to recover by discreetly clinging onto his side once more.  
Cup in hand and relieved by his welcoming presence beside her.  
Alex’s sister was due soon and she needed a break in between for Gomez to assess her reaction as to how she would fare without her anchor to maintain her stability.  
He feared it wasn't going to go well...Not if Matt had suddenly become the ground beneath her feet.  
Matt couldn't be there all night and If things were to go the way he imagined them going tonight, he may need to take some drastic action with her therapy in order to sustain that stability for a longer amount of time, to build a solid foundation ….long enough so that eventually she would be able to support herself once more.  
He already had a pretty decent plan in mind.

“Hey you two, times getting on, just came to remind you that Nicola will be here at seven Alex... “

Matt tilted his wrist as he glanced at his watch like he did so at lunch...Surprised once again by the hour. God, where was the time going?  
He swallowed a little, knowing why Gomez had come and what he was getting at.  
Alex was still leaning up against Matt's side with a book in hand, she had ignored Gomez when he entered, showing nothing in the way of a response by keeping her eyes fixed to the page nonchalant.  
Matt glanced down to her, somewhat apprehensive. 

“ Movie night isn't it?... Bet it's a chick flick, you gonna paint nails too?

Alex shook her head a little in response as a `no`.  
She'd been chatting to him all day and this sudden silence was almost deafening.  
Matt looked to Gomez who nodded discreetly for Matt to take leave.  
Matt sighed a little, he really didn't want to leave right now, but Gomez was right, it was something that couldn't and for a number of reasons perhaps shouldn't be avoided right now.  
Matt stretched a little, carefully adjusting and slightly rolling his injured shoulder.

“Well, I better be off then before your girly night. Hopefully, I’ve missed all the traffic... Be back tomorrow though yeah...Oh, need me to bring anything for ya love?”

Alex continued to stare at the book and silently shook her head in a `no. `  
Matt ran a hand through his hair feeling incredibly guilty all of a sudden.  
Like he was deserting her...God, was he? 

“Well um, see you later then Kingston yeah?”

He leaned in to kiss her cheek, when she finally dropped the book in her lap looking up almost sorrowful, to meet his gaze.

“You'll come back tomorrow?”

He nearly forgot to breathe just then. Matt took one of her hands in his... 

“Course I’ll come back sweetheart”

“Promise?”

He delicately kissed her hand and smiled”

“I promise you Alex“

Releasing her hand as he stood to leave held more pain in it than an explosion of nails under his feet.  
Gomez smiled, although he seemed slightly nervous about something Matt noticed.

“I’ll show you out Matt, “

The men both left marching to the exit like soldiers, but turned for one last lingering look to Alex just before they walked out the door.  
She was looking back down to her book.  
She seemed ok….So far, so good?  
The guys both looked to each other without any further comment and walked straight through.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day when Matt turned up, he could already tell something was off as soon as he entered the office.  
Gomez looked a mess, knackered in fact…  
He wore the same beastly burgundy striped jumper he had on yesterday and was currently strumming his fingers on the desk looking broodingly out through the glass screen into the day room, clearly agitated by something.  
He gulped one last mouthful of coffee, almost spitting it out in a coughing fit as Matt entered abruptly without even knocking.

“Easy there Eric...wasn't you expecting me or something.. I did say nine didn't i?”

“No, well... yeah..ya made me jump is all ya tosser...er, beg your pardon that's...err... slightly unprofessional of me. I mean you made me jump my good sir.”

Matt shook his head a little, chuckling. The guy was odd but still pretty funny. He found he always did like the quirky ones.  
He walked over to gander in the day room along with Gomez.  
Sometimes it felt like he was looking into the confines of a zoo and Alex was the rare species you scrambled to view...It felt totally wrong of course, but it was a necessary evil to ensure her survival...but it still... it hurt like hell, with a strange sense of guilt, primarily because you knew that she didn't belong there.

“She ok? Can’t see her, where is she?”

Eric squeezed the top of his brow a little, spinning on his seemingly new swivel chair... 

“Bedroom”

Matt puzzled... Alex was never one to lie in..

“ whyyyy? What's happened, is she ok? Oh shit...did you have to sedate her again?”

Gomez clasped his hands together tightly adjusting his features into one of professionalism before taking a much-needed breath deep into his lungs”. 

“She went catatonic half an hour after your leave yesterday ...Unresponsive to any family or personnel, which is fine i guess... I mean, I expected no less.  
She did have a busy day after all.  
A mental focus like that, unused for so long would have tired her considerably.  
I had a feeling she'd shut herself down after that... Anyway, about halfway through the night she woke up screaming and delusional. She was frantically attempting to pull the phantom space suit away from her body, unintentionally causing harm to herself in the process….She's scratched her arms and neck a little before we could get a hold of her to sedate her safely.  
After that, she woke up still estranged from reality muttering `Kill the doctor` and `no` to herself...She won't let anyone touch her or lead her away from the corner of the bedroom. So that's where she is now, that's where my team are currently monitoring her. “

Matt ran a hand through his hair...as he paced around a little.

“Shit...you should have called earlier Eric...I would have come sooner”

“Yeah perhaps I should have, but it's difficult to make these kinds of decisions Matt. Sometimes I have to see how things pan out. She could have quite easily regained her own footing on this, chances have to be given in order to progress... Anyway, all things considered, I've been trying to sort something out all morning, something i want to discuss with you later once it's confirmed it's possible to acquire”

“What is it?”

“Just an idea, but we'll talk later about that...Right now i think it would be a good thing to see if you can work your magic again? That ok with you?”  
Matt nodded. He just hoped he could.

Gomez didn’t interfere in the slightest as he went next door while Matt entered Alex's bedroom alone.  
She was there like Gomez had said she would be, in the corner her Knees up tight to her chest...Still in her rather cute tartan-clad pajamas and bare feet sticking out.  
she wasn't muttering anything now though...probably tired herself out he imagined.  
He tilted his head a little feeling unsure if she had fallen asleep with her head on her knees.  
But no, he found her eyes open, simply staring at the wall into nothingness.  
He approached her cautiously, as not to make her jump... 

“Hey, Alex it's me, told you I’d be back this morning..”

She didn't move or say anything.

He crept closer, unwavering as he crouched down before her. He held himself back from placing a hand on her shoulder, he really needed to soothe her that way...but couldn't just yet.

“Kingston?...come on...look at me love?”

She didn't look at him though still staring at the wall like it was something amazing. He was just about to speak again when he suddenly saw the tears in her eyes. Unable to hold them in any longer she blinked and they finally fell slowly down the curve of her cheek.

“I...i can’t do this anymore... I dont...i just can’t do this....”

His insides crumbled as he swallowed down a lump that had formed in his throat within seconds.

“Yes you can love...of course you can”

“He won't go away Matt… my head...he's in there and won't leave me be...i...i can’t get away..”

His hand did what it had longed to do as it landed upon her shoulder with a gentle squeeze of tender reassurance. 

“It's going to take time Alex...but it will get better...trust me on this...You've been through a lot, and there isn't a quick fix, but you just need to give yourself time to heal love… and god knows i know how impatient you are and you said you would try didn't you?... I can clearly see already how far you've come, but you're refusing to see it for yourself sweetheart. And I know the bad is sometimes so much easier to see than good, but don't let that push it away from you love...don't...”

She lifted her head to finally look at him firmly.

“Why are you here Matt, every day you come... I don't understand “

He didn't expect that...as he showed when he stumbled a bit in response...

“I err, to, to help you get better,..to support you Alex... I’m your friend, that's...that's what friends do”

“My other friends haven't come to see me.”

Matt was a bit shocked by how frank she was being...but then again Alex was always the one to speak her mind.

“They want to though, but Gomez thinks it would be too much just yet...He needed me to...well you know...because of what...but that's not why i came...”

Alex looked over to the window where the sun was beginning to break out through the clouds.

“Mmm, I thought about you...about that kiss we shared, before all this...It...it wasn't just a kiss between two friends…It felt ...different...vehement...and scared me a lot if I’m honest…. but at the same time…. I never wanted anything more in that moment...”

Matt swallowed heavily, immediately understanding her statement, he felt it too.  
The soft tender feel of her lips against his.The touch of their tongs mingling in playful eruptions. Her tantalizing taste, that encouraged him deeper. The warmth and intoxication that brought the whole universe around them to a standstill. No that wasn't just a kiss from two friends. And god, she had wanted him too it appears.  
He remained quiet, as she continued observing the clouds as she carefully constructed her next set of words.

“But...you see, I’m not that person anymore Matt. I can't be that same woman you remember...i can’t give you what you want...And however much you try to push me back into that Tardis blue box that you think you desired for a time, ...I no longer fit into it...because I’m not her...i can never be her again ... “

Matt took a hold of her chin, gently pulling her eyes away from the window and back to face his once more.  
God, she was truly beautiful, he could get lost in the depths of those emerald green eyes. But oh how he wished he could pull all the pain away from them right now.

“Listen...I know who you are... and nobody in this world can say they are the same person they were yesterday Alex...People change, things happen and they have to learn to adapt...but it doesn't change who you are at heart Alex...and I know that heart indescribably.  
I mean...i...i love that heart Alex...surely you must know that by now. Perhaps you knew it before New Years and that kiss i practically tricked you into... I honestly don't know. But I won't deny it any longer...because yes, yes I do love you Alex, always have, always will and I wanted to tell you, I was going to tell you and perhaps now isn't the best time. In Fact, I believe it really isn't and Gomez will have my head for it later... But you need to know the truth, love...that I'm not here because I want something from you, or expect you to be anything more than what you are...Or what you can be.  
I’m here because I just want you to be happy again Kingston, that's all, help you to feel a little bit better every day if I can, so that hopefully at some point, you'll feel well enough and confident enough to find that laugh we all love.  
I’m here only for you, not for myself, but because I truly am just your friend Kingston and I always will be... nothing else but that matters to me now and because you're important to me and to everyone else who loves you too, and believe me, there are alot of people out there who love you Alex.”

Alex held his gaze firmly for a moment before she looked down to the scratches on her arms...twisting them with a puzzled expression…She sighed a little.

“I...i er think i must have done this...It’s starting to sting a little...can you...is there anything i can…”

Matt smiled knowingly, she was asking for help and that was surely encouraging.

He took her hands in his, pulling her carefully up of the floor, 

“Yeah, come on, up ya get, I'll get you some cream from the goons next door... Come sit on the bed and we’ll soon have ya patched up woman. “

She did as instructed as Matt walked to the door, finally feeling a bit more useful with the simple task he’d been set. 

“Um...Matt”

He spun around quickly at the sound of his name.  
She smiled, looking a little flushed in a way, …

“Thanks,...your...i mean...i’m lucky...to, to have a friend like you…...you're...your important to me too...”

He beamed a rainbow…giving a rather bold wink

“Ditto...”

Then completely out of the blue, she rolled her eyes at him for the first time since her return...He'd never thought his heart could swell as much as it inflated just then.  
He left abruptly before his body burst a thousand bloody smiley-faced confetti in the air.

He entered next door to see Gomez stood leaning back on his desk facing towards him. He looked ..well... a little bit cross.  
Matt played innocent.

“Hello...errr, cream Eric?..We need cream”

“You love her?”

Matt chewed his cheek a little...sporting ignorance now…

“Um...is it kept in here or the nurse's office..”

“You told her you loved her?”

“Oh, that looks like a medical box...is there something in there…”

Matt paced straight over to the green first aid box on the shelf...

“MATT!”

Matt opened it immediately and started routing around …shrugging a little...

“What...so...it's complicated..she’s...we’re complicated Eric...before all this... we...we were getting pretty close...She needed reassurance that I’m not here for...well...you know...so i gave it to her...she needed to hear it“

“And was it the truth!”

Matt paused. Looking up abruptly with an instant scowl on his face.

“Don’t you dare Eric...Don't you dare even think it in that fucked up little scenario you've just made up...You have no idea how important to me Alex is...I would never take advantage of her...Not ever...I would rather die than betray our friendship, her trust.”

Gomez held a fixed gaze on Matt, then his frown turned up, somewhat satisfied with the answer that was given.  
He rifled through the box within seconds pulling out the item Matt sought.

“ Apply thinly...will take the sting away from the scratches…”

Matt nodded turning to leave but paused when Gomes continued...

“and for what it's worth... I err...i think you did the right thing by telling her…”

Matt turned with his eyebrows raised…because truly, he wasn't sure it was the right thing himself.

“Its good she was so open enough to ask it of you...To question your motive and trust you would give her the truth, no matter what its content….Your right, i don't know your relationship to each other before all this, but it seems to me that Alex is still very aware of things, of what they were before all this. And is still, without doubt, very loyal to your friendship even though it was challenged so brutally.  
She seems to require you as a solid foundation it seems and I would honestly like to try something today if you will.”

Matt nodded, taking a step forward…

“What is it?”

“Stay...with her...tonight...is that possible? Could you do that for us?”

Matt was a bit shocked by the suggestion, but wasn't going to turn it down, no way, leaving her yesterday had practically torn him in two.

“Yes...of course it's a yes”

“Gomez smiled, slightly relieved it appeared…”

“Cool, perfect, I really need this to happen before i can even begin to follow through with the plan i’m constructing”

Matt was puzzled.

“Which is?”

“Later, perhaps tomorrow, depending on how things go tonight...Anyway, come on, she's waiting…”

Matt needed no other incentive than `she's waiting`... As he left with a trail of smoke in his wake.


	6. The Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it says on the lid!  
> Struggled to get the flow going with this chapter...best i could do with it as it just didn't want to go right whatever i did...LOL

Matt had unconsciously opened the cream and started to apply a thin layer to Alex’s scratches himself.  
She didn't comment or pull away as he carefully tended to her reddened skin like he'd taken the role of The Doctor a bit too literally.  
They chatted briefly about nothing in particular before he left her to get changed so she could join him in the dayroom.  
He waited patiently fiddling with Sal’s Rubix cube on the sofa until Alex eventually came in quietly with a nurse who then smiled and left her at the doorway.  
She wore dark comfy trousers and a cute blue T-shirt with`Hippy Chick` on, making Matt grin all the more.  
As soon as she laid eyes on him she seemed to have a new wave of confidence in her stride as she hurried over towards him like a mouse scurrying to cheddar...  
She paused, standing still beside the sofa. 

“They told me you're staying over?”

He tossed the cube up in the air catching it expertly with one hand.

“Yeah, apparently we're having a girls night, me and you...Do you think we can order pizza?”

She began to fiddle with her fingers a little...

“Mabe…”

She started to look nervous again, so Matt instinctively reached out a hand.

“come on, sit love...Made you a cuppa “

He gestured to the coffee table where sat a steaming hot brew and biscuits.

She chewed on her lip a little before taking his hand to sit beside him on the sofa, instantly tucking her legs up as she leaned in against his warm welcoming body, staring intensely at the Rubix in his other hand.  
Matt saw her eyeing it.  
He brooded a little...

“Has Sal been to see you?”

Alex’s gaze dropped…she swallowed...

“No...they...i…..it's not right for her to see me like this!”

“But.. you're her mum...she knows your unwell love…”

Alex shook her head quickly

“No...no...i can’t…. I just can’t... Um...she speaks to me over the phone sometimes when Nicola or mum’s here...I have scattered memories of her voice and the piano... She played for me a little...i mean...i..i think that happened….”

Matt nodded listening intently as she continued to open up to him.

“... But i can’t...i can't connect to her just yet, i can't connect to anyone, its…...difficult...the, the words won't come out…and if i can't even do that, ….if she came here, and i...No...no I know I would scare her Matt….” 

Matt sighed a little as he twiddled the cube aimlessly rotating it between his fingers as if it held all the answers to her problems if only he could get the bloody colours to match up.  
It was a difficult situation with a child and as much as he wished for Salome to be able to see her mother after being so painfully apart for so long. He could understand Alex’s fears as to how Sal seeing her mum in such a state might affect a young fragile mind such as hers.  
After All... It had affected him, hadn't it?...  
He had raced to the bathroom immediately after witnessing Alex’s first panic attack and her frightening regression away from reality.  
It was definitely a shock to the system he wouldn't wish on anyone...especially upon Sal...she was as precious as Alex was.  
Yes, Alex definitely needed to be a bit more stable first. It was the right way to go about things for sure…  
But perhaps all was not lost in the meantime.

“I have an idea sweetheat...why don't you write to her when you're feeling up to it of course...then perhaps she could write back?”

Alex looked a little take aback at the idea as she opened and closed her mouth a few times before speaking..

“How...what..i mean what would i say…?”

Matt shrugged a little…

“Dunno, what do teenage girls do?..... Ask her about school, her friends. Tell her you’ve missed her, as i’m sure you have...but tell her you will see her soon though and not to worry. Let her know you heard her playing the piano. Tell her she's the next Beethoven, even better than that, and see if she'll perhaps play for you over the phone again sometime...Oh, and most important, tell her that Matt says she’s not old enough to have a boyfriend yet so no point even looking!... Things like that, im sure she’d love it...!”  
Alex smiled a little at the thought…perhaps she could give it a go.

“I...yes…I think i can do that!”

Matt wrapped an arm around her to pull her in tightly.

“See... I’m not entirely useless”

He shouted over across the room to the blacked-out window…

“..OY...On ya bike Gomez...Got me sen a new job in therapy now i av…Why didn't you think of doing that? Honestly....Ohhh and by the way, we require Pizza tonight and Doughnuts….Yes, we both want doughnuts to get fat and sick on and strawberry ice cream for Alex cos its er favorite and she’s a princess so none of that cheap hospital shite, do you eer me?….  
Proper Girls night were having eer Eric, not some half-assed attempt….  
Oh `N` Get us some decent beauty products too in a nice pretty wicker basket with a bow on top cos Kingston’s gonna draw me some funky eyebrows later and make me toes look pretty enough to suck on...Taaa very much ” 

He turned to look back at Alex with a self-congratulatory expression over his face…

“What...?”

She giggled delightedly and the music to his ears was bliss. Sighing exasperatedly as she reached for her cuppa.

“...Idiot...”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Girls night was good. They had pizza and donuts with Strawberry ice cream as requested…  
Gomez had even impressed them with a box of cosmetics too...So, ok it wasn't a pretty wicker basket with a bow on top, but still... Matt was highly delighted that Eric delivered them a boots bag filled with goodies even if he did send Linda from reception to get it for them.  
So now Alex was on the floor leaning back against the sofa as Matt attempted to paint her nails with a deep reddy/purpley colour called `flowering plum`.  
The atmosphere was chilled...intimate, but relaxed...

“You're quite good at that…”

Matt was deep in concentration as he held Alex's foot in his lap, painting each toenail like he was restoring a rare artifact...

“Mmm, Sister made me do it!”

Alex smiled, as she watched how attentive he was with what one might say a `feminine task`. Matt actually seemed to be enjoying it though.

“On yourself too i bet?”

“Sometimes…pink suits me...”

“Bet you looked pretty!”

Matt looked up sternly to abolish her before blowing air gently over her toes.

“There...beautiful...I like the colour of this one though..suits your complexion.”

Matt carefully put her foot down like fragile glass before he set about tidying away the mess only a man could make.

“I think I did ok on your toes... I mean, men's feet are quite difficult, but you said you wanted them suckable...mission accomplished!”

Matt raised his eyebrows chuckling, as Alex continued to tease.

“...But i honestly never realized how big your feet were...Now i know for sure all the rumors are true!”

She winked and... Fuck….he couldn't believe she just said that because there she was, his flirty naughty Kingston making him blush in a way that only she ever could.  
He couldn't help but avoid eye contact as he laughed while his heart skipped a few beats.

“What are they then...the rumors?”

“Ahh, I think the word `Majestic` was mentioned on occasion, i always liked that one!”

“Matt scoffed...

“Christ woman... who the hell ya been talking to…?”

“Oh you know...word gets around when you're in wardrobe sometimes, what do you think we talk about all that time...the weather?”

“Ha..spies everywhere i knew it...probably got a hidden camera in the gents for all i know...Tis true though... I don't like to brag...people get jealous!”

She twiddled a curl around her finger thoughtfully...

“Yeah... I know i do!”

He looked up quickly shocked and that's when she finally broke to give him the most missed and playful giggle that always turned his legs into slinkies.  
Good thing he was still on the floor, cos that's where he would have ended up in a heap of useless tangled limbs for sure. 

”God you're a minx..bloody troublesome little minx you are...”

She laughed further, swiping a cushion off the sofa to throw at him.  
He chuckled excitedly by this sudden unexpected outburst of hers, entailing enough energy and sassiness that lit her eyes back into life with sparkly fireflies.  
He grabbed hold of the cushion throwing it back at her, jesting in nothing but pure bewildering delight.

The evening had been brilliant thus far and had actually felt like old times in a way...Like this was some random hotel room they sought refuge in after a tiring days filming or chaotic convention.  
Alex was relaxed as she lied on the sofa, her head now casually resting on Matt's lap as they both watched Burlesque.  
He toyed with her hair as she watched the film intently absorbing herself into the songs in some sort of self-induced mind escape exercise.  
He was proud of her today though...she’d battled hard to act normal, to be able to accept Matts fun as quirky ideas and antics as stupid as they were.  
For he knew that for the majority of the time an act it would possibly feel like to Alex. An extreme effort in normality.  
He knew that however she appeared on the outside, that there in the background there was always some dark shadow looming overhead that threatened to pull her away from the light if she ever succumbed to let herself linger too upon it long.  
She battled the day like a warrior princess, holding her ground firm like the tenacious trooper she was, and now she was almost drained of any fight she had left as she held her gaze heavily onto the tv in one last-ditch effort to hold onto something...something real.  
He watched as her eyes slowly began to fail and she would fight against it in a futile attempt to keep them open, practically startling herself in the process.  
It was like those dreams you have when you feel you are falling when you're on the edge between sleep and awake.  
On her third fall of startling bodily reflexes, he squeezed her shoulder a little.  
He wondered if this was normal for her now. If this was how she always fell asleep...constantly fighting herself to keep from rest. Jumping awake with tense apprehension.  
Was it the nightmares she feared?  
Perhaps it was a thing of purpose, for she had said he…(the monster) wouldn't allow her to sleep, that he kept her deprived…. The mind is weakened without sleep, in a sickening way it made practical sense that he would have used something so simple and effective to break her ...was she now afraid to allow herself to do so?  
Was it suddenly now instinct to fight against it for fear of retribution, even though she was now safe?  
And was her forced submersion in water the only consequence he dealt as punishment?...  
God, he shuddered to think about it...he felt sick in the pit of his stomach.

“Hey Kingston...time for bed i think?.”

“um..I’m ok”

“Ohhh I know that Miss Hardcore, but i’m a bit knackered and need my beauty sleep. What's the plan anyways, nobody's been in for ages... where’s me bedroom meant to be?”

She yawned, stretching out like a feline...

“ Don't know”

Struggling to sit, like a sleepy toddler not wanting to make the tiresome journey all those many miles to the bedroom.  
Her hair was a mass of messy curls, chaotic and adorably fuzzy and Matt silently prided himself on the fact that he was the one who messed it all up.  
He pulled her up ungracefully from the sofa like a rag doll, casually leading the way to Alex’s bedroom.  
It was quiet as they walked down the small dimly lit corridor. A nurse smiled at them as she passed by in the night...

“Will drop you off and go find Gomez i guess……...After you me lady!”

Matt opened the door for her to walk ahead of him but the first thing he saw was a small camp bed at the bottom of Alex’s, and a wash bag filled with all sorts lying atop.

“Oh...that's…. um, that wasn't here this morning was it?...I...i think ...err..looks like we're gonna be roomys, i guess…?”

He looked to the mirror as if he could already see Gomez nodding the smug bastard. He could almost hear the whisper…` no shit sherlock`.  
Alex looked a little anxious at the thought.

She chewed on her lip …

“Yeah ok......so um, do you...would you like to use the bathroom first then..?”

He smiled softly, 

“Naa, you go ahead love, no rush...!”

She nodded, as she silently went to the drawers to gather her things before entering the ensuite, closing the door quietly behind her.  
Matt then quickly stepped around the bed to tap on the glass, motioning his thumb to the door, with a frustrated gesture of a sign language he just made up.  
He then went and opened it as Gomez did the same from the observation room beside.  
He attempted to keep his voice down but couldn't help but to be highly irritated just then …

“Oy ya tit...i didn't know i was sleeping with Alex?”

Gomez raised his eyebrows at the words, a small smile attempting to break out on his face that he attempted to conceal rather badly.

“What did you think i meant when i asked you to stay over?... And You're not sleeping with Alex Matt!”

“Christ...you know what i mean...She didn't seem too comfortable either...and what if i snore, what then?... And do you watch her like all freakin night? Is that what you do? she's been on display all bloody day Eric... I don’t think I like this bedroom big brother shite...it's chuffing intrusive...and there better not be a soddin camera in that bathroom with her, im telling you now Eric i’ll have something to say on the matter if there is...”

“There's no bath cam Matt calm yourself, we just need to make sure she's not in there too long that's all...but It's a necessary evil Matt...for now at least...She wakes up every night and we need to be ready to sedate her if necessary. You saw what she did to her arms….I’m hoping tonight might be different when she wakes though...we're going to hold off, so we won't come through unless she's completely out of control, or you feel the need to press the button for whatever reason’s you have...I need to see how she copes with you when she wakes and also how you cope too!”

Matt frowned, still attempting a whisper…

“How..how i cope ...why?”

“Tomorrow Matt. You've done wonders today, this is the longest she's been entirely lucid for. Let's just get through the night ok...That is...if you're still ok to do this?”

Matt sighed heavily running a hand through his hair…

“Yes...yes, of course i am….anything...I just didn't expect... ohh fuck it... I don't know...ok, ok goodnight...Oh, and by the way, i didn't see any chocolates on my pillow you twat!”

Eric laughed, shaking his head as he turned…

“It's not The Ritz Mr Smith”... 

Matt was sitting on the edge of his bed leaning over with his arms on his legs wearily looking to the ground in deep contemplation when Alex came out of the bathroom.  
She wore her stripy pale pajamas and looked like an angel.  
Brushing a stray curl behind her ear. 

“Um, it’s all yours then…”

He stood grabbing his wash bag feeling a little bit awkward like he was someone who had perhaps overstayed his welcome a bit... Perhaps she'd had enough after a full day of him, he knows he would have.

“Thanks love...won't be long!”

Matt entered the small bathroom, closing the door, he placed his bag on the side and taking a deep shuddering breath braced himself heavily against the sink.  
`get it together you wanker...Eric thinks this is the right thing to do...He’s a professional, he must have his reasons for this…  
God, did anyone even ask her if this was ok? As if her privacy wasn't being invaded enough right now...Fuck what was he doing...`  
It wasn't that he was just simply afraid of overstaying his welcome with Alex, No... he was more afraid of something happening and not knowing how to deal with it too.  
He wasn't a Doctor….well ok he was...but not like that...  
Eric was positive Matt being there was helping to pull Alex out of her shell or something perhaps more...But what if even he had his limits?...What if he couldn't do what Gomez was expecting him to be able to do...and what even was that?  
Matt's head was a mess as he brushed his teeth brooding so hard that they almost bled.  
`oh fuck no pajamas. Hate them anyway’s too sweaty...Can't sleep naked here can i? No, best not...Leave my T-shirt and boxers on, get under the covers quickly?...sounds reasonable…`  
He pulled off his shirt to wash giving the wound on his shoulder a quick once over, turning to glance in the mirror as he looked at the exit wound on the back feeling suddenly itchy….It looked smaller now than before. His ‘makeup artist would probably have made it look more real than it actually did...but to be honest he’d not really looked at it for longer than a second in a flicker of curiosity…shrugging it away nonchalantly as if he'd merely been bruised by a paintball.  
He slowly reached a hand up to touch it...but didn't get that far as he gasped for a breath he’d clearly forgotten to take.  
Pulling his hand away quickly he turned on the taps to continue.  
When Matt exited the bathroom Alex was already in bed, only not as tucked up as he thought she would be.  
She was on top of the covers, sat back against the headboard, her knees hugged tightly against her chest.  
Matt paused...he’d seen this position of hers before, usually on the floor. Primary position it seemed.

“You not getting under the covers yet sweetheart, to lie down?

“I...don’t... I can’t not yet…!”

Matt placed his leftover clothes and wash bag on top of the drawers before turning to look at his camp bed...then back over to Alex.  
He rubbed his neck a little, feeling a bit unsure of his role right now.  
He then decided to just do what came naturally to him as he went over to sit down casually on Alex's bed.  
He reached out his hand for her to take...and after a moment’s deliberation, she took it, as he pursed his lips thinking a little before speaking mindful and soft.

“Is it because you're afraid to sleep?”

She shrugged her shoulders...not meeting his gaze..

“What if i sit with you a little...would...would that help?”

“No...doesn't Matter…”

“What does not matter?”

She pulled her hand away abruptly...her gaze suddenly became one of frustration and anger as she growled..

“Aghh Nothing ok….I'll keep you awake... I don't want you to...to….Shit, this was s-stupid fucking idea Matt....i’m not a child that needs babysitting and a story for bed to send me to sleep. I don’t want you here right now ok... I don’t want it...this...this whatever this is...just leave me alone...Fucking stop smothering me ok, you cant help me, nobody can help me and i don’t want it...Fuck I can’t take this shit…Just, just go to bed as the bastards next door want you to do for their little fucking science experiment or whatever, or better idea...go home and get a fucking life while you still can, i honestly don't give a shit ..just leave me the hell alone Matt...leave it alone..”

She threw herself off the bed and marched back into the bathroom slamming the door so loud and swiftly behind her, that it shook the walls of the room.

Matt was momentarily stunned. He'd never seen Alex’s mood change like this, never heard her speak in such a way, and not just to him, but to anyone.  
He sighed heavily as he glanced at the mirror shaking his head, whether to himself or the ones behind he did not know...probably both.  
He didn’t leave though, even as he thought about it, he couldn't commit to walking away from her...not ever.  
He walked over to his makeshift camp, pulled back the covers and climbed into bed, curling in on his side he pushed up the pillows to stare silently at the door.  
After a while, he was just beginning to drift off when there was a click.  
He pretended to be sleeping, fearing she still needed space. That perhaps she was right and he’d pushed too much too fast.  
There was silence for a moment, and then he heard a rustle of movement. A draw being carefully slid opened and closed.  
After a moment or two, he felt something being placed on top of his quilt. Delicate fingers running through the flop of his hair.  
She whispered...

“...I’m sorry... I’m so sorry my darling”

He then heard a small sniffle as she padded away, a shallow sigh as she climbed into bed.  
He opened his eyes a short while later to see she had placed an extra blanket above him, perhaps fearing him cold in the air-conditioned room.  
He smiled to himself as he closed his tired eyes once again...she wasn't mad he'd stayed then...and more mystifying than that….she had tended to him and called him her darling!  
He fell asleep with a warm heart in his chest and the sound of her voice seducing his ears in a heavenly echo... `my darling..my darling...my darling`

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, ….”

Matt blinked, opened his eyes and the first thing he thought was, where the hell was he?  
The second thing he thought was... SHIT!  
He sat up abruptly throwing the covers aside, his heart barreling through his chest in an instant wave of panic.  
Alex was pacing back and forth, chanting, hands over her ears...eyes mostly closed, only opening for a split second before closing once more...!

“Alex...?”

He stood up to carefully approach her through the dim light of the night lamp…  
Was she sleep-walking? 

“Alex...Alex, it's me Matt, can you hear me love...Alex?”

She paused at the sound of another voice in the room….Looked straight into Matt, then a little alarmed shook her head quickly and rather violently looking away…

“It’s not him….not him….Shhh...shh...don't talk he’ll hear...., don't talk, never talk,...Kill the Doctor...kill the doctor, that's ok….shhhh….can’t do it, No, no ..kill the doctor, yes, he likes that...,..just say it, just words...it's not real, just say it .. Kill the doctor, that's good, not real…shhh don't make a sound, he's coming…he knows..”

Matt swallowed dryly, he glanced to the mirror briefly, then back to Alex…He stepped closer, unsure whether to touch her or not... but oh God how he just wanted to grab hold of her shoulders and shake her awake right now. Could he do that, was that allowed?... Fuck no, better not...he held back...

“Alex, you're safe ok! You're not in the cellar anymore... can you, can you look at me sweetheart, can you stop and please look at me Kingston…Alex...?”

“Stop, stop, stop, STOP IT...STOP IT...STOP IT….NO, NO, NO, ……..Don’t ...please don’t….sorry, sorry Master I’m sorry…..NO...NO...NO...I’M SORRY MASTER, NOOO..….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Her scream pierced through his ears with painful intent….as she threw herself between the drawers and the wall, like a dog gone crazy with rabies. Shaking and sweating and screaming horrifically, enough to shatter not only the windows but also the walls to dust too.

It was all too much, as his heart raced to do something...anything to make her stop, to see reason….` Master?...Fucking Master??…. That fucking bastard I’ll kill him!!.`.  
He placed a hand over her shoulder, but she retaliated rapidly by throwing up her arms in a frenzied effort to fight him off...But Matt was all too involved now, high on adrenaline and riddled with fury he persevered using his tall size over her as an advantage, eventually regaining control over her manically crazed limbs that were currently fighting off an invisible enemy with ferocious insistence.  
He took tight hold of both her arms and this time he couldn't help it... at that moment, he just couldn't. He did shake her body, a little too forcefully perhaps, but he bloody well needed to do it.  
An act probably brought on more by his own apparent distress rather than hers, his fear of losing her to this...to him.

“LOOK AT ME ALEX...WAKE UP AND LOOK AT ME GOD DAMN IT…LOOK AT ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW...WAKE UP I SAID!!....”

He stopped shaking her suddenly, as she gasped a gulp like she couldn't catch breath, it took three goes before she could grasp a decent amount of air to her lungs.  
He was still holding on to her arms so tightly in fact that it would probably bruise.  
He didn't let go though, he simply couldn't let go, and if he did he would probably fall.  
Breathless chests heaved. The only sound in the room, the in and outtake of breath vigorously blowing a battle between them.  
Matt fell forward as he rested his head heavily against Alex’s curls, closing his eyes he drew in her scent like a therapeutic incense and willed his own calm to settle his body and mind.  
After what seemed like an age Alex slowly moved her hands to place on his hips to steady her trembling self.  
Matt swallowed heavily at the foreign touch from her hands, never before have they held him there…

“

“Matt? I... You're here?”

He held his position, selfishly unwilling to make her change hers or scare her away.

“Yeah it's me, I’m here Kingston.. I’m here”

“S-sorry, I’m sorry..”

“What for..”

“...All of it...and this...”

“Don't say that...don’t be a dumbo, it's unbecoming….You've nothing to apologize for, how many times must i say it..!”

“It's not true... I might not have killed you that day, but in other ways... I have…. I see it now.”

“See what love?”

“That you stubbornly stand by my shadow in my own private prison, alone in the dark, joined to my ankles by some rusty old shackles that keep you bound to me for some flawed reason...Whatever the reason you do not deserve.  
You don’t belong there Matt...You're worth more than this...than me  
Your young and handsome, funny, and charming, with so much life and love and admirable tenacity that you shouldn't allow yourself to wallow with me in that sinister cold pit of despair...You shouldn't do it, i can’t watch you drown in it too Matt.. “

“Alex, i…”

“I feel I'm ruining you, tearing you apart, a piece at a time and soon there’ll be nothing left of the bright beautiful boy I knew. I'm slowly breaking your spirit, my love. My mere presence now, a nail in your coffin.”

He lifted his head, bringing his hands up to gently caress her face only to see sorrow in those beautiful glazed eyes of hers.

“You will not turn me away Alex... I will not hear of it...I choose my own path, and quite honestly I’m a stubborn, jealous, selfish, and devoted bastard when it comes to you... I’m sorry i am. And right now my bestest most brilliant friend is in trouble and the road is rocky and the sky seems like a relentless storm overhead….I get it, i do...But it won't always be that way Alex...it won't and i can't leave you alone in this whatever you may think, so don’t even ask it of me, because that...that’s what would kill me Alex, sending me away.  
There's so much more ahead of you love, so many wonderful things that can pull back the clouds to make the way clear once again, your life isn't over...and whatever you may think is happening right now...neither is mine ok?”

Her hands wrapped immediately around his waist and she squeezed him tightly as he wrapped her up in a protective bear hug.  
Tears fell between them both as she sniffled against him..

“I'm scared to close my eyes, can you, will you lie with me ...please…?”

He smiled pulling back, as a sudden surge relief entered his bloodstream.

“Sure, come on, let's get you tucked up all cozy this time ay? I'm a great hot water bottle…”

She unconsciously rubbed the tears away, as Matt led her over, pulling back the covers she climbed into bed and after only a brief hesitation he climbed in after her. Spontaneously spooning up behind her like it was the most natural thing in the world.  
She fitted like she belonged, as he held her close.

“It might...ya know it will happen again…?”

“It's ok, doesn't matter love, I’m right here with you...You're safe now yeah, you're safe with me sweetheart...I've got you now and nobody's gonna hurt you... sleep, it's ok....”

She stroked her fingers along his arm that currently held her waist secure and firm and radiating a warmth she’d forgotten existed. His body a blanket of bewildering devotion surrounding her... 

“I’ve got you too!”

He leaned over to kiss her cheek, lying back down…he chuckled a little...

“Yes, my gorgeous...yes I believe you have!”


	7. The next step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, i have something for you .....a bit shorter than usual, but better late than never I always say lol x

Alex had woken twice further before the morning had graced them with its unforgiving light.  
The next time Matt woke was to the gentle moans of distress and mumbling that evaporated within seconds, before turning into a violent thrashing of limbs and screams which he was quick to contain as he held her arms down shushing her soothingly with any words he could muster attempting to wake her up from the constant nightmares that pursued her….  
He supposed this could have been the wrong thing to do in hindsight. He could have scared her further by his own ignorant lack of understanding of PTSD. Containing her though, however amateurish it may have been on his part, worked... the sudden heavyweight and warmth of his body was welcomed dramatically with almost immediate effect.  
Her body practically seemed to diminish its heightened state of tension and painfully taught, tight muscles, into an almost relaxed state of soft, calming curves... His weight and the rather tight hold that he feared had perhaps been too tight with his own nervous energy, it seemed to ground her.  
She opened her eyes up wide to him, startled like a deer in headlights as he held her wrists bound with his very own fingers either side of her head...His own body half leaning across her heavily panting chest of rounded warm breasts.  
He swallowed anxiously at the suggestive position he currently found himself in, or put himself in?.... But pushed it down begrudgingly to focus on more important matters than his own confused state of mind.  
His tone lowered, quiet...

“You're safe, I'm here….I’m sleeping over in the ward...We had a girls night whereupon you made fun of my rather large feet while I painted your toenails. We ate junk food and watched some sort of crap that you thought was splendid...”

Her eyebrows drew in puzzled for a moment before uncreasing themselves …

“Right, yes,...yes...s...sorry…i'm....”

He might have imagined it, probably did, but for a second he thought he saw her eyes drift down to his lips, a look in her eyes he couldn't quite fathom...a distant memory...a reality that once upon a time was...that could have been...that could still be?  
After a moment or two of silently staring into each other eyes speaking more than a thousand words, he slightly hesitantly, released her wrists of his bruising grip, pulling back to give her some probably much-needed space…

“No problem sweetheart...Um, need a drink...some water perhaps?”

“No, i’m...ok thanks…..”

She calmed, taking a much-needed breath. Her tired eyes wilted once more as she rotated away from him, on to her side. He frowned a little, but then a second later was startled out of his miniature sulk of forgottenness while she abruptly pulled his arm right along with her to wrap around her waist masterfully, with the skill of a teacher in the arts of intamacy... urging him to snuggle back up behind her once more, like that was his place and he should do as he’s told.  
He smiled a little at Kingston taking control over his limbs….yes she could put him in any damned position she likes!  
She was incredibly tired though, too drained and before long he felt her breathing had slowed to a steady pleasant rhythm of waves…..She whispered...barely...

“Please don’t go...don't go....”

“Shh...I’m not going anywhere love”

The next time Alex woke up Matt was still awake, having failed to push away a thousand thoughts of paramount chaos. At first, he thought she was simply going to the bathroom for a pee when she quietly left the bed. While discreetly monitoring her movements through the gaps in his eyelids, he watched on as she placed her hand on the wall to steady herself. She then leaned her head against it, as if perhaps she got up too fast and felt dizzy.  
But it was when she whispered to herself, “Kill the Doctor...” he finally made his move...

Matt lifted the covers after the `now` painfully familiar words of “kill the doctor” left her lips.  
Seeing her like this was no longer scary as it once was though, it was horrible don't get me wrong, but it was something he could now work with. He knew she was still there, that he could easily reach her now. She wasn't insane...not on any accounts was she lost to him, just lost in a black cloud of cursed memory on occasion, that floated through her subconscious with a vicious intent set to destroy her.  
But he knew what it was now and he was confident in the fact that it had no claim over her, because while he still drew breath in his lungs...it never would.  
He cautiously but confidently walked over, laying a hand gently upon her shoulder.  
She flinched minutely, but nothing more.

“Alex, wake up...it's me, its Matt!”

“Kill the Doctor”

He squeezed her shoulder a little turning her around, her eyes were open but downcast. Eyelashes fluttering a staccato...

“Alex...look at me love...it’s Matt…”

“Master?”

Matts insides froze….while he clenched his teeth.  
Must. Be. Strong.

“No...its Matt...your Matt”

“My Matt...my...my Matt, ?”

“Yes..”

“ where is the Master?”

Matt swallowed….

“He’s far away, he’s not coming back!”

“Oh….”

After some private contemplation, she eventually looked up to finally meet his eyes...Then much to his own shock jumped back like a startled rabbit as if she hadn't expected anyone there at all, as if merely she'd casually been chatting to a ghost.  
Lunging backwards she banged her head against the wall with a painfully large thud.

“ArghhOwww”

Matt gasped, lurching forward to grab her, instantly rubbing the back of her head and tilting it into his shoulder while he inspected her for injury. 

“Shit. .. I’m sorry...Christ i felt that me sen love...are you ok”

Her voice shook a little but she was calm and lucid now which was always a good thing he supposed.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m ok...I mean...oh god.., what am i doing here Matt?…”

“Keeping me on me toes, I know that...Sleepwalking...sleep talking, then a spot of headbanging it appears...You sure know how to keep things fresh and exciting don’t ya woman...“

“hmm, I guess I really do belong in an asylum then don't i…?”

Matt shook his head...

“No not at all Kingston...And not only that crazy people don’t know they're actually crazy for a start...so forget that shit right now Alex, i know what your thinking...and your fine love, your going to be fine ...So come on...come back to bed “

She tensed at the thought of entering the dreams that chased her once more, but her sleep-deprived body stumbled over words in a dire effort to keep them at bay...

“It's too… I can’t Matt….”

“You can love, you have to keep trying, you're worn out..another hour...please...for me yeah?”.

She blew a curl out of her face in a childish huff...Matt tried not to smirk at the attitude she growled...when suddenly an unexpected request left her lips...

“.....will you... sing to me please…..something, anything…. it's just...the quiet’s too much, my thoughts...it's...I mean...I like when you sing?”

Matt finally smiled, then chuckled as a great spread of warmth flooded his chest.

“Flatterer, are you flirting with me again Kingston?…. Of course i will...i’ll sing you the dictionary if you like...anything you want it's yours…saving the striptease for another day though ..but if you're lucky, perhaps on ya birthday, i’ll bring me Fez and only me fez... ”

She smiled at him lovingly. Her eyes twinkling blinking back the darkness. She sighed...

“I’ll be sure to bring the handcuffs then...!”

Strolling past him casually smug…  
Matt spluttered….

When morning finally came it was pretty routine until after their breakfast which Matt had encouraged her to eat by a clever distraction of comedy tales across the dining table. Praising himself silently with every mouthful she took.  
They eventually both sat down together with a cuppa on the sofa.  
It was then that Eric finally entered the room like a man on a mission...There was a new wave of enthusiasm about him today too that couldn't easily be missed.

“Morning...morning everybody...the sun is out it's a beautiful crisp day”

Matt rolled his eyes feeling groggy and sleep-deprived, totally not ready for that much enthusiasm quite just yet.  
At the same time he felt Alex scoot a little bit closer to him instinctively seeking his comfort away from the presence of another in the room. He wrapped an arm around her protectively reassuring her personal insecurities while still casually sipping his tea with the other hand. 

“Somebody's been on the coffee all morning i see... or are you always like this first thing?”

Gomez sat in the chair opposite, clasping his hands together while eagerly leaning forward.

“Coffee yes...absolutely...and a full pack of Jaffa cakes that i unashamedly did not share and nicked from the staff room as soon as they appeared, ate the whole pack...Anyway, anyway, progress yes...discussion, let's start...topic of the day:  
A move of location to a nice little safe house in Dorset by the sea, Very secluded away from the prying eyes of the public...  
It's been acquired from the police through plenty of persistent prodding to use at our disposal for a time. Fully alarmed of course. No cameras on the inside of the cottage i assure you, to finally allow you your privacy, but the outside of the building will remain on 24-hour surveillance to fully ensure Alex's absolute safety...There will be units posted a short distance away if assistance is ever needed and there is also a panic button inside the home if needs arise…..”  
He took a deep breath….  
“So...How do you both feel about this?... Any Questions?...”

Alex chewed her lip as Matt stared bewilderedly at Gomez open-mouthed, before swallowing heavily, slowly lowering his cup to the coffee table.  
He cleared his throat a little... raining in his features to what looked like a little spark of anger...

“You...you think that's a good idea? What is that....a weird holiday or something...you are kidding me right?.... I mean he’s still out there ...that...that evil fucking monster, and this...this is what you've come up with...placing her out in the middle of nowhere like a sitting duck...like bait...Seriously?...Tell me your not that stupid Eric?”

Gomez shook his head quickly...

“No...not at all Matt, Alex's safety is my top priority in this i can assure you”

“She's safe here Eric...what could you possibly be achieving with this ridiculous endeavor of yours!”

“First off...This isn't a prison Matt! Alex's mental wellbeing has to be considered along with her safety too... we can not and will not contain her behind these walls like some sort of…. !”

“She needs the safety and the security that this facility offers Eric...and not only that... she needs the doctors to be there if anything happens too and the daily counseling for christ sakes and YOU... As somebody she's only just started to trust, to see as a friend…she needs you...we both need you there...”

Gomez shook his head defiantly…

“This place has gone as far as it can go with Alex’s healing Matt…other than the continued therapy….the rest is up to her now...”

“You're abandoning her…”

“Never...not ever….i would never do that and I’m here as long as she needs me…please listen to my reasoning though...Look...I know it's…. Well, it's scary... It is...but a bird needs to be set free to be able to see if it can fly again Matt…. You can't expect her to learn how to use her wings again from the confines of a cage…”

Matt closed his mouth as the words Gomez used to describe Alex’s situation slapped him in the face like a wet cod. Because he was right, they couldn't keep her locked away, in fact with someone as free-spirited as Alex was, that was the worst thing they could do for her.  
Gomez looked to Alex feeling slightly guilty and awkward that he and Matt had been discussing her like she wasn't even there...  
Her eyes flicked up then gracefully away as he confronted her with his attention calmly…he cleared his throat a little...

“Alex...I know you're afraid and that's normal, it's expected... and you're not insane no matter how much you feel or believe that you are right now, but you really can get better from feeling the way that you do... But in order to do that Alex, you need to take charge of every bit of courage you have left in you and do this for yourself......Please just trust me a little.  
You may feel safer in here right now, but this place, this place cannot protect you from yourself Alex... I need you to stay strong now, to be stronger than you imagine you can be, to take a deep breath and find that energy and strength within you in order to get back out there into the world once again. And there's no rush to this, no time frame, just a goal in mind and a battle to be fought and overcome….and yes...yes I will tell you no lies... there will be good days when you think this is it, it's going to be ok, I’ve done it, and then it will only to be shattered by a bad day when you just want to give up on yourself, to curl into a ball and die.  
This is the reality you will have to face for a long while to come...but you will face it Alex, because you are not alone in this, you have people that will hold you up and support you when you feel you are unable to hold onto yourself….we will be there….Take all the time you need to heal and focus forwards and I know you can do it Alex, we all believe in you, you're exceptionally strong-willed as a person, it's one of your most powerful traits, use it, use that power and believe in YOU….you just need to believe in yourself a little more yeah?.”

Alex's gaze was cast down and Gomez flickered his eyes across to Matt who was currently contemplatively drawing circles on her wrist….he smiled then continued….…

“Take this time out with your friend Matt as a positive.... of the progression it is. Continue to move forwards.  
Go outside when you like, breathe in the fresh air, take walks on the beach with Matt…. I don’t know... sit on the sand and watch the sun on the horizon, listen to the waves, write if you like, read, listen to music...find yourself again Alex, because you are there, I've seen glimpses of sparks in you and Matt's definitely seen it and he knows you better than most i imagine….”

He leaned in a little closer…

“I will still be there for you too Alex…. I can assure you of that because our work is not done here. There's still a lot of ground we have to cover. We will still meet for counsel at midday the same as we do right now and every day we will chat, or i will if you really don't feel like it...But on skype yeah?... All modern and down with the kids!... Then because I know without doubt that you will both be missing me and my awesomeness so much I will call in physically on Saturdays, to follow up on everything, and discuss things further, eat your food n stuff, hows that sound?.... “

Matt nodded feeling a little bit more reassured that her therapy sessions were still continuing...Gomez continued…

“....Two family members are allowed over on Wednesdays, it's good to have a routine to start, so you can prepare yourself a little for confrontation, no unexpected visitors at this time would be beneficial... and I would urge that you use that time with your friends or family whether you want to or not, even if it's just for half an hour of you all sitting in the kitchen quietly having tea together. You need to see other people Alex, engage with them if you can... even if it's just a smile or hello and goodbye, that would be wonderful....”

Gomez looked to Matt whose eyes were cast downwards deep in thought, then he looked back to Alex whose eyes were of the same mirror image...God these two...so different...and yet still so much of the same mold.  
To a psychologist...a gift of mind-boggling wonder…..

“OK? So there you have it...Would this be ok with you both...I mean...Can i have the go-ahead for this?”

They were quiet for a while, but Surprisingly to both Eric and Matt, it was Alex who took the first step in this.  
Taking a deep breath of air she looked up and nodded surly...

”Yes…Yes please Eric”

Matt was both startled and surprised, looking between them both quickly.  
Eric just beamed joyously…

“That brilliant….that's fantastic Alex!”


End file.
